beat the negative

The Thelma to my Louise – My Sister – We Endured And All The Stronger!!

 

It’s amazing how someone you love psychotically can change your views of your “self”. It can be in so many different versions of life. Sometimes, verbal abuse, and incredible expectations of what and who and how you should be and look during that time can completely reduce you to a minion. But with the belief in yourself, it can change. And I have a person who shared this life with me. I’m still waiting for her to post here. She is my Thelma to my Louise. My baby sister. We have weathered the storms of loving and losing. We were not perfect!! Oh NO! But we know… we know that we were the reason, many times, that we got through this world. She is… and I believe I was/am… the rock we are to each other … and although all that is and was is past… it would be nice for others to be able to learn .. if you see the signs… don’t ignore them.

HOWEVER… although I did… I ended up with 3 beautiful children, and I believe, some friends out there…

Finding Home

 

I wrote about the last post regarding not knowing where home is.  So with this song I moved and left all my family and ran a business.

I have to admit it was so exciting moving to what I THOUGHT was my new home.  I bought a business and was “moving away from” the pain, the hurt, and I WAS on my own and going to my “new home”.   I played this song on my journey to my new place.  I believed wholeheartedly that this was right for me.  I didn’t do it on a “whim”.  I had several people, including my parents, come by to see if I was making the right choice of buying an Auto Repair Shop in a small town 2.5 hours away from homebase, but only 1.5 hours away from parents’ cottage.

I distanced myself from pretty well everyone human though in close circle mind.  It was like coming home to a place where I belonged.  Small hobby farm, chickens, donkeys,  goats, dogs, cats, chinchilla.  I was in my glory, filling my life with animals, and business, to deter my thoughts of my children choosing to live with their father, my parents and sisters not understanding the whole disturbing reason for my leaving my ex, no support or understand.  It was alienation.  And I LOVED IT. Not alienation.. the getting away from it!!!!!

I had a hard go at the business side of it.  Three years later lost my business, but I have to say with a HUGE smile, I am so happy I did what I did even if I lost my retirement investment.  It was more then awesome.  I can’t say it was “home” but it was and it was mine and I loved the visits, however brief.  The ones that meant the most to me were my youngest son who chose to hang out with me for a couple of weeks in the summer, and my nephew and his wife who came by while Ross was trying to recover from cancer.

What is Psychotic Love??? ones you  have for your stupid ex… or the one you have for the ones you personally cannot help but love psychotically, like your parents, your children, just some people who walk into your life?

Psychotic Love to me, is your transference of UNCONDITIONAL love … and that’s not bad at all, but where it does become Psychotic Psychotic love… which might be our new term now, is when you love unconditionally, and they don’t back, or have expectations you can’t live up to, or  put you down… and you still love them!!… YIKES

My previous YIKES was that that can happen with so many peeps around you including your children~~ !!!

Okay, next post… to Daughtry’s song, because this one is already long enough… and kind of a therapeutic, realizing… this is psychotic… just thinking about the scope of all of this!!!

Can We Feel Spychotic Because Of Our Relationship With Our Children

I have back pain. It’s Thanksgiving. I have spent most of my wonderful rare four days off in bed. I connected with a beautiful lady and partner in a course by chance. She asked how I was doing. I explained the exhaustion of the pain in my back that caused shallow breathing and being tense and exhausted. 

She did her healing and said I was 30% healed but it would take 2 to 3 more days once the emotions release the pain. 

Truth be known, at first I thought “I am so happy in my life, what emotions need to be released?” 

Then it came to me. I heard nothing from my children in the past month. And even so nothing about getting together on Thanksgiving. Or even a Happy Thanksgiving wishes on the day. 

My parents were away and I was babysitting their kitten. My sisters were busy. All good. But I missed hearing from my children. Even ONE of them saying… hey mom… how are you and Happy Thanksgiving. I felt an emptiness.

Having said that… I guess subconsciously I was feeling those emotions that slowed my healing.

Knowing this now I need to realize that my children cannot be part of my psychotic love. I need to move forward in knowing they are fine and let go….. let go. 

Then the healing begins….