Glad I didn’t Know

I remember the first time he fell deep in love with someone else.  It was weird.  I had a 2, 4 and 8 year old… Lots of songs went through my head.  I will share a few.  But this one I love so much.  Possibly because 15 years after my divorce, and after our 10th year when he fell in love with someone else at the same time Garth Brooks did same and I was no liking Garth for his infidelity with his now wife, but I get it now.  We are not always meant to be forever.  But this song?  It is true for my life… I wouldn’t have changed a thing… but glad I didn’t know.

Affairs… Apparently can be healed. Can it if it was the Sister?

Wish I had heard this years ago… LOL   She is brillliant in hitting the points of affairs.  And too how to resolve if you REALLY want to and how some see divorce as a way out to freedom.  All felt, but fought, but this is just as true!  Some things are not dealt with… including parents and children when it it about family. When the affair wanders to a sister and the a son knows more than a mother about it through his cousin… I am so happy to be single… saddest moment is when my children were told they would not have two parents together.. but truth be known, my eldest said it was for the best.  I am so happy single.  I did not connect with another person and my children are still messed up about my sister and my ex…. as too my parents and my other two sisters… but after 15 years we are learning to adjust.  Christmas Eve was cancelled for the first time in tradition years, which mean forever.  I am happy.  I will spend it with someone who needs me.  And too my daughter is doing same.  I did that last year.  I bailed on my family.  I love my parents and my children and my two sisters.  Third one?  I just don’t want to see.   So I choose my happy now.  My Hampy.  But the video is truly smart and thoughtful.

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Peter Pan and honesty

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The most part of releasing yourself of the whole psychotic love issue is to meet someone real.  Someone who is not going to judge you.  Someone you can find that fits proper in your life.  Now this is intesting.

MY PETER PAN ME SYNDROME THAT I LOVE AFTER THE MONEY FOCUS MAN 🙂

Two years after leaving my ex I met a great man.  Toy man. Off Roading, camping, you name it.  Appeared to not care about money… in the “money  money grab way…” BUT… he liked money and I believe that when I left him with a plan to see if money wasn’t the issue ( I had quite a bit at the time) , even if I love his Peter Pan attitude, he left me when I lost my money for his rich ex-girfriend…. life was a perfect of me finding my true Peter Pan…. I thought… but he wasn’t my true Peter Pan.  Peter Pan doesn’t care about money that way…. and let me say… that way.  It’s not a true Peter Pan.  Peter Pan doesn’t care if you have money.

To make things clear.  I did marry my Knight in Shining Armour.  He made things right for my children with him…  but Not ever again my “Prince in Shining Armour”… Joke… Pewk… Doesn’t exist.  I will not elaborate… (but as said…did birth 3 perfect children for him… LOL)  Birth vessel commitment done… move on…

So to my two year man… he was my best friend… was not my Peter Pan… he was “Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Had a Girlfriend Couldn’t Keep Her, Kept her in Pumpkin Shell and There He Did Not Keep Her Well”.  Still best friend, but it was a crazy jealousy issue too.  Still care for him, always a best friend… but that psychotic love ended… and with him, my psychotic love ended and then I looked for my true Peter Pan.

Two years ago I found my perfect fit… I thought.  And was at the time.  He just wanted to be with me.  He would send me text messages that reminded me of when I was a kid when I had a guy friend.  It wasn’t sexual (well… not out of choice… not to be shared here).  It was just like “wanna play butter cup?”  I loved his texts asking me to come over…

I am an adult of 50 something and that was awesome.  I’m like a Peter Pan female version.  Truth be known, my TBear was the first time I felt comfortable in my “adulting NOT” life.  I know I have responsibilities to my children, and to my retirement funds not to have my children have to deal with that, and all the insurance that goes along with this. I pay into it. But TBear was awesome. I didn’t have to feel all that.  We just hung out. It was awesome…. and he reminded me of a memory… of…

I remember when… Best friend like the one across the street or two doors down that asked to come and play when you were 7 years old.  Made me forget I had to worry about anything.  Okay, that 7 year old best friend was the same friend that put me under the bus when he found a Playboy magazine and asked me to look at it with him.  Yes, we were 7 and I don’t know where he found it, but his mother found us!! And he said I found the magazine… I took the hit…

But.. back to my story of TBear. I lost him.  He kept telling me he was dying and I laughed and told him to stop saying that.  I taught him to dance, took him out to dinner (he was reclusive), he met my parents, my children, I met his daughters.  He was my best Peter Pan ever.  Never wanted to grow up, but life made him.  I guess more of the movie that Peter Pan grew up in “Hook”.

I relate to it.  He had 3 daughters.  I have 2 boys and a daughter.

And both of us were miffed by parenthood and adulting, although we did it. Not perfectly, but we tried our best.

TBear made my life real, in the fact that I realized that all parents question everything we do to our children, but then live this world, in a divorce scenario, that Disney is not real, so we go back to our Peter Pan world.  I’m so okay with that.

In Hook he did it….  God bless Robin Williams…. that movie is all about adults getting back to Peter Pan.   Love it…

I like my freedom to do what I want when I want.  I did my part of being a mother and taking care of all that and this.  But my children are self-sufficient now.  They can live with me, I am okay with that,  but MY life is now mine.

And so I met a new Peter Pan… and he is just awesomely great company.  And he was with lost boys the whole time!  Who knew that Peter Pan actually exists without the Hook version.  Just one thing… now that I found my exactly right Peter Pan…  honest… run away… come back… free… when he shows up he does… doesnt’… K cool 🙂

I’ll spend time with you when you want… I found him…  the REAL Peter Pan

So, I like my Peter Pan. 🙂

Simple…….

No Psychotic Love in this friendship… just understanding… and simple honesty and that simplicity could actually work in a relationship… but seriously?… the word “relationship” is too scary… friendship is nicer… and ever better …. Peter Panners…. no commitment…. but always friendship… love this this.

Hugs R… This is dedicated to you… and Tbear…. simple best across the street friends, like it used to be… 😉

Cricket…. No else knows this… but I think R will find out.

It’s about honesty, freedom, friendship, and simplicity and never FORGET… FUN!!! 🙂

.. Peter Pan.

 

Sensitivity Sucks

There is a time in your life when you think you should have shunned all the sensitivity from your life.  It appears that this is not so.  I think that I really resent my mother for not having made me a stronger person and to learn how to not feel the pain of someone being so insensitive to your excitement about what they have done to the point that you end up doing something that totally bothers them or insults them.

I just sometimes don’t know the barriers.  I don’t know what the boundaries are of being proud and sharing it and then being knocked down.  Then there is the issue that makes sense of asking for permission to be so proud and sharing before doing so.

Social media, I suppose, can be intrusive to people who are generally internalized or intraverts… and I guess I’ve crossed that line at times not knowing it would cause distress to that person.

Particularly a person I love.

Which brings me to so many anal issues about sensitivity, which my conscious mind likes to engage with… it’s so pathetic….

I can cry on a dime when I feel I have let someone down.  And the gut wrenching feeling is intolerable at the beginning… then what happens next is that I try to resolve the issue.  Then after that, my Gremlin replays it in my mind until I feel as though I just want to throw up… but wait!! I quit bulimia… so I won’t do that, but I feel the feeling regardless.

Then the next step is feeling okay 80% of my days for the next few months, but the 20% of that thing happening way back a few months ago comes back in my thoughts, my dreams, and I can’t shake it….

Understand that that is how I feel about what I HAVE DONE WRONG… someone else does wrong by me and I tend to let it go after a couple of weeks… No I’m lying… in general I do… but if it has insulted my sensitivity in a way I cannot put it all together, then I tend to have my stupid Gremlin remind me of it so much so that when I look at the person who caused this I just don’t want to look at them and I feel totally uncomfortable… and I will cry intermittently over the situation…

WHY? because I actually liked the person who sent those vibes out.  I don’t like you I don’t care.  I do… it affects me…. a lot.

Nice to know this about myself now.  I needed to learn this… because I have to change it.  I need to be stronger and less sensitive to life and people I love…. the heart hurts too much when you are sensitive… guess mom was right… 🙂

 

Can We Feel Spychotic Because Of Our Relationship With Our Children

I have back pain. It’s Thanksgiving. I have spent most of my wonderful rare four days off in bed. I connected with a beautiful lady and partner in a course by chance. She asked how I was doing. I explained the exhaustion of the pain in my back that caused shallow breathing and being tense and exhausted. 

She did her healing and said I was 30% healed but it would take 2 to 3 more days once the emotions release the pain. 

Truth be known, at first I thought “I am so happy in my life, what emotions need to be released?” 

Then it came to me. I heard nothing from my children in the past month. And even so nothing about getting together on Thanksgiving. Or even a Happy Thanksgiving wishes on the day. 

My parents were away and I was babysitting their kitten. My sisters were busy. All good. But I missed hearing from my children. Even ONE of them saying… hey mom… how are you and Happy Thanksgiving. I felt an emptiness.

Having said that… I guess subconsciously I was feeling those emotions that slowed my healing.

Knowing this now I need to realize that my children cannot be part of my psychotic love. I need to move forward in knowing they are fine and let go….. let go. 

Then the healing begins….