Author Archives: I Am That GAL

Psychotic Love vs Love You Tons vs Love You Very Much

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Since my divorce I have had a beautiful text from my eldest son that got me through a lot.  “Love you tons”.  I would send that back to him.  He was the only one I sent that to until recently.

Recently I realized his words.  He is the owner of this by far, and I now have upgraded it to him to love you tons x10.  That for having been there no matter what.  I don’t know how much he has judged me in my life, but he NEVER made me feel like a loser, a less than mom, a failure, through the times I have felt like that and have heard it from others.  I realized I only love 4 people in that category.  My eldest son for what I have explained, my daughter for being there through the first period of my divorce.  Only one that chose to live with me.  And my youngest son who visited me when I moved away to get away… during the summers, and we had amazing times at my auto repair shop.

Each one of my children had a very specific purpose in my life after my divorce.  I love them tons for that… but that is, as I said, the words my eldest owns to me.

He made sense to me about love and the degree.

I have to say the other person I love “tons” is my baby sister Donella.  I know we have gone through different forks on the road at times, but we always found our way back to each other.  I believe it was because from the start, no matter how much we fought, we loved each other “tons”.

These are the relationships that cannot go away no matter what.  The ones that made us who we are and were the biggest part of our lives growing up.  I mean that in all ages of our growing up.  Why my children are included.

Then there is the “I love you so much”.  That is to my parents.

Then there is “I love you very much”.  That would be to my other sister.  My second eldest.

Then there is “I wish I could love you but I don’t, but I remember when I did”… that to my eldest sister and my ex husband.

The last one was for two people I had psychotic love for.  So to this, I am saying.  Psychotic love is one that you can actually overcome.  When you realize that is what it was, it becomes easy to just let it go.  My eldest sister I, at one time, loved spychotically just for her approval.  And in hindsight, it was the same with my ex-husband.  They were formidable figures in life, the kind everyone loves!  And you look up to them… until one day they fall.  And they fall hard.

It wasn’t easy to recover from the psychotic love…. but once at that point.. it is easy to let go.

However, the ones you love on the tons, so and very, those are ones that are harder to deal with in any one day of life if every something is in conflict… those are the relationships that will keep you up at night trying to figure out how to make things right.

And the biggest ones that you want to make right with are the “tons”…. bigger yet the “tons x10″…  closest to God.  If Ross was still alive, and even not being alive… he is totally too a love tons x10. (My departed Nephew… still miss him tons x10).

Removing the Negative

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This is going to sound weird.  I have, for the first time in my life, a tomato plant.  It’s a topsy turvy one, but it was beautiful to watch grow from a small plant to a huge one.  I didn’t anticipate much, as I don’t have a green thumb like my mother.  But, I did manage to get two tomatoes.  Two is better than none.  They sat on the vine for 2 months green as what my thumb is not.  Obviously.

Then,  a week ago, another one started growing and it’s doing amazingly well, while my two green ones are still sitting on the vine, not turning red.  One alone growing quickly, babytomatotwo together not.

Three nights ago I touched the larger ones, and one fell off.  The other one refused.  The one green one that fell off was hard.  Lifesless really.  Like a rock.

Next day, the one left on her own started to turn red.  Amazing.  Unfortunately something was trying to attack her so I pulled her off and cut off the growth.  But she is now growing beautifully red in the window, while the counterpart remains hard and green.

I’m talking about tomatoes, I know.  But it makes me think.  When I left my ex – the one I was psychotically in love with, when I got rid of that rotten green tomato, I started to show my colours.  I did have to cut out a part of me to move forward to turn into what I needed to become.  Just a part though.  My love for my ex was real, but it was overwhelming and I knew it was not reciprocated in the same way.  He was the hard green tomato that would not change colours.  He grew in his business, but not in our relationship.

Today to me that is all okay.  I enjoy my life as a single person, moving forward and now taking courses to become a PRISM Life Design Coach, which includes my passion of handwriting analysis.  I get to do what I want, when I want with no judgements.

The lesson I learned when I realized my tomatoes were not changing colour, was that something was wrong and I needed to figure it out.  They were just side by side together too long and the one that wanted to change colour didn’t because she had the one that didn’t change sucking off of her.

When you try to be what someone else wants you to be, and try to remain the same colour, it is exhausting.  I needed to find my colour.  I needed to blossom.

And everyday I am working on this. The red tomato. 🙂

The other green one will just be a green fried tomato.  The red one will be in a fun summer salad…. summer is not over yet!!

beat the negative

The Thelma to my Louise – My Sister – We Endured And All The Stronger!!

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It’s amazing how someone you love psychotically can change your views of your “self”. It can be in so many different versions of life. Sometimes, verbal abuse, and incredible expectations of what and who and how you should be and look during that time can completely reduce you to a minion. But with the belief in yourself, it can change. And I have a person who shared this life with me. I’m still waiting for her to post here. She is my Thelma to my Louise. My baby sister. We have weathered the storms of loving and losing. We were not perfect!! Oh NO! But we know… we know that we were the reason, many times, that we got through this world. She is… and I believe I was/am… the rock we are to each other … and although all that is and was is past… it would be nice for others to be able to learn .. if you see the signs… don’t ignore them.

HOWEVER… although I did… I ended up with 3 beautiful children, and I believe, some friends out there…

How Can Someone Make You Feel Like Writing This?

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I love poems.  I have written many.  But this weekend going through some papers I wrote while I was married to the man I can’t hate, but feel there was a great deal of healing after I left, this was truly a reason.

I wrote this for him to read.  I was hoping he would see himself in this.  I could see a kind man in my husband, but one that was selfish in his own holding into himself, and onto himself, and one that needed to show the world he could make it.  He used to joke around about being the “Brain” in the “Pinky and the Brain” cartoon.  He called me “Pinky”.  I only later on in life found out Pinky was the one that gave Brain all the ideas. Too funny. So I feel very smart. Now.

Also… Today I thank God I never left this note.  Because it would have been a twisted one to try to make him see what he did to me, and yet… he didn’t.  Because I left before he could die.

At first I thought it was a letter I wrote about myself, but it made no sense at all.  Then I realized.  It was the other way around…. he always turned me away.  I could not reach him… but… still loved him. So I wrote this as if it was him writing to me.  It would have been a twisted ending though.. I think he would have understood the turn around to you concept if he found if I had left this world while with him… But I smile, because there is a reprieve knowing, that will never happen. 🙂


“You once asked me to listen, You told me that you care,

But I cruelly turned away, ’cause I had nothing to share.

You wanted to comfort me, when I needed to cry,

But I did not want to reach for you, I did not even try.

You turned to me for friendship, yet again I turned away

Allowing the void inside of me to grow larger everyday.

Now I am gone, and you’re haunted by my shame,

I have now since perished, but my friend, you’re not to blame.

It was I who failed at trying, rejected time you gave

And my self pity and destruction has me lying in my grave.

My selfishness is unwarranted, this I realize,

Now I see the pain I caused but cannot apologize.

I wish I had tried, at least tried to foresee….

The damage I have caused, by dying selfishly.”

 

 

First Borns Genocide

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Yikes.  I know it’s Christmas and I should have better thoughts.  But to me Christmas hasn’t been Christmas for many years.  And even more so less when I lost my eldest nephew who was so wonderful and still always so missed and was so the rock that kept us together.

I hate to say this, but when my son was born, also the eldest son of a family, I was freaked out based on my faith back then (religion I would say rather) that the first born eldest son was God’s child.

Then I also was freaked out about the fact that because Jesus was born there was genocide to all boys born that were two years old or younger.   I can’t imagine that pain.

I’m quoting the below because this is what I was brought up with and scared me to even have a first born that was male.

“1Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the reign of King Herod. About that time some wise mena from eastern lands arrived in Jerusalem, asking, 2“Where is the newborn king of the Jews? We saw his star as it rose,b and we have come to worship him.”

3King Herod was deeply disturbed when he heard this, as was everyone in Jerusalem. 4He called a meeting of the leading priests and teachers of religious law and asked, “Where is the Messiah supposed to be born?”

5“In Bethlehem in Judea,” they said, “for this is what the prophet wrote:

6‘And you, O Bethlehem in the land of Judah,

are not least among the ruling citiesc of Judah,

for a ruler will come from you

who will be the shepherd for my people Israel.’d”

7Then Herod called for a private meeting with the wise men, and he learned from them the time when the star first appeared. 8Then he told them, “Go to Bethlehem and search carefully for the child. And when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him, too!”

9After this interview the wise men went their way. And the star they had seen in the east guided them to Bethlehem. It went ahead of them and stopped over the place where the child was. 10When they saw the star, they were filled with joy! 11They entered the house and saw the child with his mother, Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasure chests and gave him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

12When it was time to leave, they returned to their own country by another route, for God had warned them in a dream not to return to Herod.

The Escape to Egypt

13After the wise men were gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up! Flee to Egypt with the child and his mother,” the angel said. “Stay there until I tell you to return, because Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.”

14That night Joseph left for Egypt with the child and Mary, his mother, 15and they stayed there until Herod’s death. This fulfilled what the Lord had spoken through the prophet: “I called my Son out of Egypt.”e

16Herod was furious when he realized that the wise men had outwitted him. He sent soldiers to kill all the boys in and around Bethlehem who were two years old and under, based on the wise men’s report of the star’s first appearance. 17Herod’s brutal action fulfilled what God had spoken through the prophet Jeremiah:

18“A cry was heard in Ramah—

weeping and great mourning.

Rachel weeps for her children,

refusing to be comforted,

for they are dead.”f

The Return to Nazareth”

This is beyond disturbing that so many mothers lost their first born son due to this whole control and political and just messed up life that in certain ways continue in so many different lights in this world.

I can’t celebrate Christmas.  I can only celebrate life and happiness and that doesn’t come just one day a year.  It’s every day.  I celebrate that my children are still alive and I pray for them every day, and that my parents’ are well and that I have serious family members, and friends, that stand by me with my crazy thoughts and changed paths of what is needed to be done on this occasion.

This year I changed my path based on MY beliefs, not others.  And there were thoughts that made me sad.  Like my son saying he wished I was with them at my parents’ place… but this year I needed peace.  And I had it.  Next year?  I don’t know.  Time will tell, but it will be MY choice.

 

 

How can someone who hates me be forgiven?

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Psychotic love.  What does it entail really?  Too much love for family, for you children, for your parents.  Funny enough Psychotic Love doesn’t seem to me to transfer to all of my siblings.  I have one sister that you can deny, hurt her, almost kill her, treat her like she is a nobody, but still love that sister.

It’s mind boggling.

Then there is me.  It was psychotic, but not love.  Psychotic indirect love through two of three sisters and my parents to try to love something that was a demon in my mind and I am letting go of her through my own actions and writing about her.

This Demon Seed, as I see her, and you have read about her before, comes across as a “goddess” and she is a communion without confession kind of person.  Some may say that I have to let go, and I so want to!! But I am constantly badgered about not letting go about the past and moving forward….. until…..

A good friend of mine said that I am doing just that and I loved that saying.  I am.

So how is this all relevant?

I chose not to go to Christmas Eve with my “family” tomorrow night.  First time in many years.  I did so to make myself happy.  I may be repeating myself from previous log, but this today was an epiphany.

Mom called me today and asked if I would be there.  She made it clear that I should not live in the past and move forward.   The epiphany.  I told my lovely neighour this, and he said “you are doing just that”.  I am moving forward.  I am not letting my mother guilt me into being around someone who has been hurtful.

I encouraged my sons to go to visit my parents over seeing me.

My eldest son was upset and said I am complicating things because going to my parents’ place on Christmas Eve all these years made it easy to do a “communal” visit.  I understand him.  Hence I told him to go see my parents first and foremost.  But I will not be guilted into going and having to be in a place that I AM NOT COMFORTABLE.

I was a bit disappointed when I offered to visit my mother in the morning of Christmas Eve and she told me she would be too busy baking.  Like I couldn’t help her?    Then she also said she and dad would likely be too tired on Christmas day to see me.

What she didn’t realize was when she spoke those words I realized that she was guilting me into showing up to somewhere I don’t belong.  All these years of my parents having these Christmas Eve events were wonderful until my sister had an affair with my ex, then their grandchildren grew up, started understanding the negative dynamics, and yet everything is supposed to be forgotten on that one night?

That is expectations of Psychotic Love.  Seriously….

I hold no anger, but I do disappointment of lack of support… and I want peace in my life.  And Christmas is suppose to be about peace and love and happiness.  This is what I am reaching for.  Not stress, not what “have to does” or “must do” or “if you don’ts”…. Christmas is about loving those around you and feeling the blessings, without having to have the negative energy of what was that caused pain or sorrow, or a distorted and divised family.

I want my Christmas Eve this year to be happy.  I don’t want to see my son cry because his cousin was brutal to him.  I don’t want to see my mother question my eldest son about his younger brother’s sensitivity and I just don’t want to be around the negative family dynamics that have occurred over the years.  It’s exhausting.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my family, less one that I discounted as being family.  But I really won’t miss tomorrow night.   I hope though, with my non presence, tomorrow will be the best night of my children’s lives with my parents, and no discomfort will be felt.

 

And to mom:

Please do not even ask me to forgive and forget.  I know she is your child, but she has sent me awful emails in the past threatening me about being in presence for your benefit and getting over her sin.  She emailed me that she never liked me, but to get over it.  She emailed me many painful non-sisterhood emails…  It wasn’t me who was his her husband.  I didn’t have sex with her husband, her first one in particular that she loved so much… Her second is slim pickings that she uses to keep her lifestyle going.  I know you will alway love her and I don’t expect you not to, as I have had thoughts of what ifs?  And know I would love my children no matter what… but to expect me to feel towards a “sister that was such a bully in my whole life” the same way as you do as a mother, it can’t be done.  Sorry mom.

Wish I could speak to you.  But wouldn’t listen.  Wish I could explain to you all that I know…  but you would just lash out at me like always do when it comes to this stuff… why our conversations now are all fluff.. and if you get serious… I don’t want to hear it.

Ask your eldest daughter how she would feel if I had done same to her???? And I have so many other questions you can ask her that would blow your mind.  Remember Aunt Jean and how you felt about her, and kept saying she was like her… yet you for some reason can’t seem to … ahhhhh… naw.. not worth it.

Mom, you always told us not to be a hypocrite…. I am so not being one now.  I’m honest.  Are you?

Mom, Why Can’t You Hear Me? I love you so much!!

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I have played this conversation with you Mom for years. For approximately 15 years. Since you told me I should have stayed with him. No matter what. Tonight I need purge in words why I have not been able to talk to you, nor speak my speech which will follow.

Mom, I can’t talk to you. I try, but you get so emotional, which when I was a child you told me was wrong, and you get angry, which you told me as I child I should never do. You tell me that your family was perfect and loving except for your dad and you hated that he drank, and so on and so on. There is no talking to you, or sharing my inner thoughts because you just accuse me of being overly emotional and such, everything you are.

So for many years, I have kept things inside, which ultimately part of that was my bulimia. I ate what I wish I could share with you or anyone else, but felt it was never appropriate and I should be the better person and let it go. I did. Many times. I ate those emotions then purged them. For 30 years I did that. I won’t any more.

And here I am writing in cyberspace what I want to tell you, but can’t because I know if I do it will end up like it always has. An emotion war. And I love you too much to cause that, but I am waving a white flag by writing here tonight my speech to you. What I say here, I have seen, by going back, to be something I have wanted to say, but today I am healthier in my spirit and my mind, but I still will NOT, until, maybe the time will be right, to say what is pursuant to this introduction, in person.

Dear Mom,

I am 55. The other day I heard your cry for my forgiving my eldest sister for her involvement with my ex-husband, which was the reason for leaving him. I can’t tell you how I feel, because I don’t think you will ever understand. You never asked me about my pain. You just wanted me to forgive. I know you were angry that I left my ex because of her, seeing how you endured maybe worse, but I did you a favour. Just imagine Christmas time with my ex and me there and her and you and dad. Your daughter. The same one that betrayed you with dad.

I often would like to ask you if your sister betrayed you with your father, and then had relations with Dad if you would have stayed? You almost left him for his drinking, yet you would stay with him knowing he betrayed you with having intimate relationships with your sister? And you would forgive her? and you forgive her for betraying you with your father?

You keep so close to her, and take her side. I don’t get it. You never once asked me how I FELT!!! You just knew I was a better person and expected me to be the one to forgive, let it all pass behind me, even when her apology was empty with any sort of emotion, and it was all about her having to apologize (this after 7 years of not doing so) because we were going on a trip as a family. I only accepted for your benefit. But everything changed at that point. She tried to befriend me, and yet, she had no remorse.

I got a call two years after the trip. I still wasn’t feeling right, but this made it apparent as to why I wasn’t. One of my children called in pain, and hurt, and wanted to know the truth about the father and the aunt. I said “I can’t tell you the truth. It has never really been admitted but by one party who just said it was selfishness”. I said to ask the father. My child did and the father admitted that it was an affair and my child texted back to advise me of his admission. That child endured severe struggles in life which the father did not share with me. He never did. It as part of his controlling our children and keeping them away from me.

I am at peace with his trying to keep my children away. I am truly so.. Sad, but knew it was out of my control. But I am not okay anymore with my knowledge that this sister caused deeper pain than to just me.

And hence, as Jesus didn’t hang around the Pharasees albeit He forgave them, I am NOT Jesus, but as much as I can forgive and let go, I also want to let go and choose not to be around a negative force. Some people say this sounds “religious”. I say it makes sense what Jesus did. THAT sister was religious. I am not. I just believe Jesus said it as it was. Adn that I choose not to be around those who hurt me and scorned me is my right. I understand loving those who love me and being around those who love me, and forgiving those who hurt me, but not wanting them around me. It’s that simple.

It was shared with me tonight that that sister, whom I just see as person I need to forgive and remove from my life, asked someone to tell me to grow up and let it all go. I was amazed by this. I’m not sure how I really feel. I just said in my mind that it “balls” to tell someone to let go when they themselves were the one that created the situation of unrest, and have no true conscience or empathy of what they did! It was monumental in lack of empathy!!! Which only served to make me not want to be there on Christmas Eve night time. I want to be with my parents when I am happy and feel love and beautiful feelings, not when I feel negativity.

Mom, I understand you. My children have different agreements and values and such. I respect them for that, and feel the pain when they are not in union with each other. This, however, is NOT a normal occurrence and NOT one that you can expect those affected by to just smile and show up and be hey! I love you for messing with my husband and I totally forgive you for messing up my life!! (so to speak.. mom , life is okay… but you get this.) I want to enjoy my time with you, mom, and too dad. And the way I can is to keep peace with me and be with those whom I truly love me and have not betrayed me…. in a big way.

I love you mom. Wish you understood me better. But more so, wish I could talk to you and share my thoughts without you getting all upset. You always said SHE was dad’s and so too the youngest and J and I were yours. But you never listened to me without getting upset. It’s why I will not share with you this.

I love you though Mom!!!

Psychotic Love

Why Can’t She Just Forgive? Letter to Mom

Sensitivity Sucks

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There is a time in your life when you think you should have shunned all the sensitivity from your life.  It appears that this is not so.  I think that I really resent my mother for not having made me a stronger person and to learn how to not feel the pain of someone being so insensitive to your excitement about what they have done to the point that you end up doing something that totally bothers them or insults them.

I just sometimes don’t know the barriers.  I don’t know what the boundaries are of being proud and sharing it and then being knocked down.  Then there is the issue that makes sense of asking for permission to be so proud and sharing before doing so.

Social media, I suppose, can be intrusive to people who are generally internalized or intraverts… and I guess I’ve crossed that line at times not knowing it would cause distress to that person.

Particularly a person I love.

Which brings me to so many anal issues about sensitivity, which my conscious mind likes to engage with… it’s so pathetic….

I can cry on a dime when I feel I have let someone down.  And the gut wrenching feeling is intolerable at the beginning… then what happens next is that I try to resolve the issue.  Then after that, my Gremlin replays it in my mind until I feel as though I just want to throw up… but wait!! I quit bulimia… so I won’t do that, but I feel the feeling regardless.

Then the next step is feeling okay 80% of my days for the next few months, but the 20% of that thing happening way back a few months ago comes back in my thoughts, my dreams, and I can’t shake it….

Understand that that is how I feel about what I HAVE DONE WRONG… someone else does wrong by me and I tend to let it go after a couple of weeks… No I’m lying… in general I do… but if it has insulted my sensitivity in a way I cannot put it all together, then I tend to have my stupid Gremlin remind me of it so much so that when I look at the person who caused this I just don’t want to look at them and I feel totally uncomfortable… and I will cry intermittently over the situation…

WHY? because I actually liked the person who sent those vibes out.  I don’t like you I don’t care.  I do… it affects me…. a lot.

Nice to know this about myself now.  I needed to learn this… because I have to change it.  I need to be stronger and less sensitive to life and people I love…. the heart hurts too much when you are sensitive… guess mom was right… 🙂

 

When do the dreams end?

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I’ve been divorced for 13 years now to my first love.  13 years and I still have dreams about him.  I have dated a couple of times, and one was very special to me.  He’s still my best friend.  Another passed away.  But I don’t dream about them at all.  I only dream about my ex.  The dreams are all so varied.  Some he hates me, some he wants me back, some he is with his now common law spouse, and some he is alone.  Our children are often in these dreams, and they are usually much younger.

I told this to my daughter recently.  She is staying with me for a short time, and we have interesting discussions.  She simply said “you must have loved him a lot”. I did.  I was devastated when it ended.  However, I have never been happier, so I don’t understand why he keeps creeping into my dreams!  It’s not like I would ever want to be back with him.  I suppose I would like to be “friends” as best we can due to our three children, but that would be it.  But maybe that would not be a good idea.  Maybe, deep in my subconscious mind, I still love him no matter what happened.  I don’t know.  I can’t feel anything on a conscious level other then the fact I am loving writing, and drawing, and taking courses, and graduating from my PRISM Life Design Course, and standing up for myself because I feel empowered now.  None of this likely would have come to be if I had stayed with him and continued to be made to be a minion. (I think minions are cute, but seriously… who wants to live like that… unless you are as rich as them… ha ha… creator was brilliant!)

I’m sure, through my courses, that I can deactivate these dreams… in the interim I will need to figure out how… 🙂  But here is to being happy, in spite of the dreams.