Psychotic Love vs Love You Tons vs Love You Very Much

Since my divorce I have had a beautiful text from my eldest son that got me through a lot.  “Love you tons”.  I would send that back to him.  He was the only one I sent that to until recently.

Recently I realized his words.  He is the owner of this by far, and I now have upgraded it to him to love you tons x10.  That for having been there no matter what.  I don’t know how much he has judged me in my life, but he NEVER made me feel like a loser, a less than mom, a failure, through the times I have felt like that and have heard it from others.  I realized I only love 4 people in that category.  My eldest son for what I have explained, my daughter for being there through the first period of my divorce.  Only one that chose to live with me.  And my youngest son who visited me when I moved away to get away… during the summers, and we had amazing times at my auto repair shop.

Each one of my children had a very specific purpose in my life after my divorce.  I love them tons for that… but that is, as I said, the words my eldest owns to me.

He made sense to me about love and the degree.

I have to say the other person I love “tons” is my baby sister Donella.  I know we have gone through different forks on the road at times, but we always found our way back to each other.  I believe it was because from the start, no matter how much we fought, we loved each other “tons”.

These are the relationships that cannot go away no matter what.  The ones that made us who we are and were the biggest part of our lives growing up.  I mean that in all ages of our growing up.  Why my children are included.

Then there is the “I love you so much”.  That is to my parents.

Then there is “I love you very much”.  That would be to my other sister.  My second eldest.

Then there is “I wish I could love you but I don’t, but I remember when I did”… that to my eldest sister and my ex husband.

The last one was for two people I had psychotic love for.  So to this, I am saying.  Psychotic love is one that you can actually overcome.  When you realize that is what it was, it becomes easy to just let it go.  My eldest sister I, at one time, loved spychotically just for her approval.  And in hindsight, it was the same with my ex-husband.  They were formidable figures in life, the kind everyone loves!  And you look up to them… until one day they fall.  And they fall hard.

It wasn’t easy to recover from the psychotic love…. but once at that point.. it is easy to let go.

However, the ones you love on the tons, so and very, those are ones that are harder to deal with in any one day of life if every something is in conflict… those are the relationships that will keep you up at night trying to figure out how to make things right.

And the biggest ones that you want to make right with are the “tons”…. bigger yet the “tons x10″…  closest to God.  If Ross was still alive, and even not being alive… he is totally too a love tons x10. (My departed Nephew… still miss him tons x10).

Glad I didn’t Know

I remember the first time he fell deep in love with someone else.  It was weird.  I had a 2, 4 and 8 year old… Lots of songs went through my head.  I will share a few.  But this one I love so much.  Possibly because 15 years after my divorce, and after our 10th year when he fell in love with someone else at the same time Garth Brooks did same and I was no liking Garth for his infidelity with his now wife, but I get it now.  We are not always meant to be forever.  But this song?  It is true for my life… I wouldn’t have changed a thing… but glad I didn’t know.

Removing the Negative

This is going to sound weird.  I have, for the first time in my life, a tomato plant.  It’s a topsy turvy one, but it was beautiful to watch grow from a small plant to a huge one.  I didn’t anticipate much, as I don’t have a green thumb like my mother.  But, I did manage to get two tomatoes.  Two is better than none.  They sat on the vine for 2 months green as what my thumb is not.  Obviously.

Then,  a week ago, another one started growing and it’s doing amazingly well, while my two green ones are still sitting on the vine, not turning red.  One alone growing quickly, babytomatotwo together not.

Three nights ago I touched the larger ones, and one fell off.  The other one refused.  The one green one that fell off was hard.  Lifesless really.  Like a rock.

Next day, the one left on her own started to turn red.  Amazing.  Unfortunately something was trying to attack her so I pulled her off and cut off the growth.  But she is now growing beautifully red in the window, while the counterpart remains hard and green.

I’m talking about tomatoes, I know.  But it makes me think.  When I left my ex – the one I was psychotically in love with, when I got rid of that rotten green tomato, I started to show my colours.  I did have to cut out a part of me to move forward to turn into what I needed to become.  Just a part though.  My love for my ex was real, but it was overwhelming and I knew it was not reciprocated in the same way.  He was the hard green tomato that would not change colours.  He grew in his business, but not in our relationship.

Today to me that is all okay.  I enjoy my life as a single person, moving forward and now taking courses to become a PRISM Life Design Coach, which includes my passion of handwriting analysis.  I get to do what I want, when I want with no judgements.

The lesson I learned when I realized my tomatoes were not changing colour, was that something was wrong and I needed to figure it out.  They were just side by side together too long and the one that wanted to change colour didn’t because she had the one that didn’t change sucking off of her.

When you try to be what someone else wants you to be, and try to remain the same colour, it is exhausting.  I needed to find my colour.  I needed to blossom.

And everyday I am working on this. The red tomato. 🙂

The other green one will just be a green fried tomato.  The red one will be in a fun summer salad…. summer is not over yet!!

beat the negative

The Thelma to my Louise – My Sister – We Endured And All The Stronger!!

 

It’s amazing how someone you love psychotically can change your views of your “self”. It can be in so many different versions of life. Sometimes, verbal abuse, and incredible expectations of what and who and how you should be and look during that time can completely reduce you to a minion. But with the belief in yourself, it can change. And I have a person who shared this life with me. I’m still waiting for her to post here. She is my Thelma to my Louise. My baby sister. We have weathered the storms of loving and losing. We were not perfect!! Oh NO! But we know… we know that we were the reason, many times, that we got through this world. She is… and I believe I was/am… the rock we are to each other … and although all that is and was is past… it would be nice for others to be able to learn .. if you see the signs… don’t ignore them.

HOWEVER… although I did… I ended up with 3 beautiful children, and I believe, some friends out there…

How Can Someone Make You Feel Like Writing This?

I love poems.  I have written many.  But this weekend going through some papers I wrote while I was married to the man I can’t hate, but feel there was a great deal of healing after I left, this was truly a reason.

I wrote this for him to read.  I was hoping he would see himself in this.  I could see a kind man in my husband, but one that was selfish in his own holding into himself, and onto himself, and one that needed to show the world he could make it.  He used to joke around about being the “Brain” in the “Pinky and the Brain” cartoon.  He called me “Pinky”.  I only later on in life found out Pinky was the one that gave Brain all the ideas. Too funny. So I feel very smart. Now.

Also… Today I thank God I never left this note.  Because it would have been a twisted one to try to make him see what he did to me, and yet… he didn’t.  Because I left before he could die.

At first I thought it was a letter I wrote about myself, but it made no sense at all.  Then I realized.  It was the other way around…. he always turned me away.  I could not reach him… but… still loved him. So I wrote this as if it was him writing to me.  It would have been a twisted ending though.. I think he would have understood the turn around to you concept if he found if I had left this world while with him… But I smile, because there is a reprieve knowing, that will never happen. 🙂


“You once asked me to listen, You told me that you care,

But I cruelly turned away, ’cause I had nothing to share.

You wanted to comfort me, when I needed to cry,

But I did not want to reach for you, I did not even try.

You turned to me for friendship, yet again I turned away

Allowing the void inside of me to grow larger everyday.

Now I am gone, and you’re haunted by my shame,

I have now since perished, but my friend, you’re not to blame.

It was I who failed at trying, rejected time you gave

And my self pity and destruction has me lying in my grave.

My selfishness is unwarranted, this I realize,

Now I see the pain I caused but cannot apologize.

I wish I had tried, at least tried to foresee….

The damage I have caused, by dying selfishly.”

 

 

How can someone who hates me be forgiven?

Psychotic love.  What does it entail really?  Too much love for family, for you children, for your parents.  Funny enough Psychotic Love doesn’t seem to me to transfer to all of my siblings.  I have one sister that you can deny, hurt her, almost kill her, treat her like she is a nobody, but still love that sister.

It’s mind boggling.

Then there is me.  It was psychotic, but not love.  Psychotic indirect love through two of three sisters and my parents to try to love something that was a demon in my mind and I am letting go of her through my own actions and writing about her.

This Demon Seed, as I see her, and you have read about her before, comes across as a “goddess” and she is a communion without confession kind of person.  Some may say that I have to let go, and I so want to!! But I am constantly badgered about not letting go about the past and moving forward….. until…..

A good friend of mine said that I am doing just that and I loved that saying.  I am.

So how is this all relevant?

I chose not to go to Christmas Eve with my “family” tomorrow night.  First time in many years.  I did so to make myself happy.  I may be repeating myself from previous log, but this today was an epiphany.

Mom called me today and asked if I would be there.  She made it clear that I should not live in the past and move forward.   The epiphany.  I told my lovely neighour this, and he said “you are doing just that”.  I am moving forward.  I am not letting my mother guilt me into being around someone who has been hurtful.

I encouraged my sons to go to visit my parents over seeing me.

My eldest son was upset and said I am complicating things because going to my parents’ place on Christmas Eve all these years made it easy to do a “communal” visit.  I understand him.  Hence I told him to go see my parents first and foremost.  But I will not be guilted into going and having to be in a place that I AM NOT COMFORTABLE.

I was a bit disappointed when I offered to visit my mother in the morning of Christmas Eve and she told me she would be too busy baking.  Like I couldn’t help her?    Then she also said she and dad would likely be too tired on Christmas day to see me.

What she didn’t realize was when she spoke those words I realized that she was guilting me into showing up to somewhere I don’t belong.  All these years of my parents having these Christmas Eve events were wonderful until my sister had an affair with my ex, then their grandchildren grew up, started understanding the negative dynamics, and yet everything is supposed to be forgotten on that one night?

That is expectations of Psychotic Love.  Seriously….

I hold no anger, but I do disappointment of lack of support… and I want peace in my life.  And Christmas is suppose to be about peace and love and happiness.  This is what I am reaching for.  Not stress, not what “have to does” or “must do” or “if you don’ts”…. Christmas is about loving those around you and feeling the blessings, without having to have the negative energy of what was that caused pain or sorrow, or a distorted and divised family.

I want my Christmas Eve this year to be happy.  I don’t want to see my son cry because his cousin was brutal to him.  I don’t want to see my mother question my eldest son about his younger brother’s sensitivity and I just don’t want to be around the negative family dynamics that have occurred over the years.  It’s exhausting.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my family, less one that I discounted as being family.  But I really won’t miss tomorrow night.   I hope though, with my non presence, tomorrow will be the best night of my children’s lives with my parents, and no discomfort will be felt.

 

And to mom:

Please do not even ask me to forgive and forget.  I know she is your child, but she has sent me awful emails in the past threatening me about being in presence for your benefit and getting over her sin.  She emailed me that she never liked me, but to get over it.  She emailed me many painful non-sisterhood emails…  It wasn’t me who was his her husband.  I didn’t have sex with her husband, her first one in particular that she loved so much… Her second is slim pickings that she uses to keep her lifestyle going.  I know you will alway love her and I don’t expect you not to, as I have had thoughts of what ifs?  And know I would love my children no matter what… but to expect me to feel towards a “sister that was such a bully in my whole life” the same way as you do as a mother, it can’t be done.  Sorry mom.

Wish I could speak to you.  But wouldn’t listen.  Wish I could explain to you all that I know…  but you would just lash out at me like always do when it comes to this stuff… why our conversations now are all fluff.. and if you get serious… I don’t want to hear it.

Ask your eldest daughter how she would feel if I had done same to her???? And I have so many other questions you can ask her that would blow your mind.  Remember Aunt Jean and how you felt about her, and kept saying she was like her… yet you for some reason can’t seem to … ahhhhh… naw.. not worth it.

Mom, you always told us not to be a hypocrite…. I am so not being one now.  I’m honest.  Are you?