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Sensitivity Sucks

There is a time in your life when you think you should have shunned all the sensitivity from your life.  It appears that this is not so.  I think that I really resent my mother for not having made me a stronger person and to learn how to not feel the pain of someone being so insensitive to your excitement about what they have done to the point that you end up doing something that totally bothers them or insults them.

I just sometimes don’t know the barriers.  I don’t know what the boundaries are of being proud and sharing it and then being knocked down.  Then there is the issue that makes sense of asking for permission to be so proud and sharing before doing so.

Social media, I suppose, can be intrusive to people who are generally internalized or intraverts… and I guess I’ve crossed that line at times not knowing it would cause distress to that person.

Particularly a person I love.

Which brings me to so many anal issues about sensitivity, which my conscious mind likes to engage with… it’s so pathetic….

I can cry on a dime when I feel I have let someone down.  And the gut wrenching feeling is intolerable at the beginning… then what happens next is that I try to resolve the issue.  Then after that, my Gremlin replays it in my mind until I feel as though I just want to throw up… but wait!! I quit bulimia… so I won’t do that, but I feel the feeling regardless.

Then the next step is feeling okay 80% of my days for the next few months, but the 20% of that thing happening way back a few months ago comes back in my thoughts, my dreams, and I can’t shake it….

Understand that that is how I feel about what I HAVE DONE WRONG… someone else does wrong by me and I tend to let it go after a couple of weeks… No I’m lying… in general I do… but if it has insulted my sensitivity in a way I cannot put it all together, then I tend to have my stupid Gremlin remind me of it so much so that when I look at the person who caused this I just don’t want to look at them and I feel totally uncomfortable… and I will cry intermittently over the situation…

WHY? because I actually liked the person who sent those vibes out.  I don’t like you I don’t care.  I do… it affects me…. a lot.

Nice to know this about myself now.  I needed to learn this… because I have to change it.  I need to be stronger and less sensitive to life and people I love…. the heart hurts too much when you are sensitive… guess mom was right… 🙂

 

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