Sensitivity Sucks

There is a time in your life when you think you should have shunned all the sensitivity from your life.  It appears that this is not so.  I think that I really resent my mother for not having made me a stronger person and to learn how to not feel the pain of someone being so insensitive to your excitement about what they have done to the point that you end up doing something that totally bothers them or insults them.

I just sometimes don’t know the barriers.  I don’t know what the boundaries are of being proud and sharing it and then being knocked down.  Then there is the issue that makes sense of asking for permission to be so proud and sharing before doing so.

Social media, I suppose, can be intrusive to people who are generally internalized or intraverts… and I guess I’ve crossed that line at times not knowing it would cause distress to that person.

Particularly a person I love.

Which brings me to so many anal issues about sensitivity, which my conscious mind likes to engage with… it’s so pathetic….

I can cry on a dime when I feel I have let someone down.  And the gut wrenching feeling is intolerable at the beginning… then what happens next is that I try to resolve the issue.  Then after that, my Gremlin replays it in my mind until I feel as though I just want to throw up… but wait!! I quit bulimia… so I won’t do that, but I feel the feeling regardless.

Then the next step is feeling okay 80% of my days for the next few months, but the 20% of that thing happening way back a few months ago comes back in my thoughts, my dreams, and I can’t shake it….

Understand that that is how I feel about what I HAVE DONE WRONG… someone else does wrong by me and I tend to let it go after a couple of weeks… No I’m lying… in general I do… but if it has insulted my sensitivity in a way I cannot put it all together, then I tend to have my stupid Gremlin remind me of it so much so that when I look at the person who caused this I just don’t want to look at them and I feel totally uncomfortable… and I will cry intermittently over the situation…

WHY? because I actually liked the person who sent those vibes out.  I don’t like you I don’t care.  I do… it affects me…. a lot.

Nice to know this about myself now.  I needed to learn this… because I have to change it.  I need to be stronger and less sensitive to life and people I love…. the heart hurts too much when you are sensitive… guess mom was right… 🙂



When do the dreams end?

I’ve been divorced for 13 years now to my first love.  13 years and I still have dreams about him.  I have dated a couple of times, and one was very special to me.  He’s still my best friend.  Another passed away.  But I don’t dream about them at all.  I only dream about my ex.  The dreams are all so varied.  Some he hates me, some he wants me back, some he is with his now common law spouse, and some he is alone.  Our children are often in these dreams, and they are usually much younger.

I told this to my daughter recently.  She is staying with me for a short time, and we have interesting discussions.  She simply said “you must have loved him a lot”. I did.  I was devastated when it ended.  However, I have never been happier, so I don’t understand why he keeps creeping into my dreams!  It’s not like I would ever want to be back with him.  I suppose I would like to be “friends” as best we can due to our three children, but that would be it.  But maybe that would not be a good idea.  Maybe, deep in my subconscious mind, I still love him no matter what happened.  I don’t know.  I can’t feel anything on a conscious level other then the fact I am loving writing, and drawing, and taking courses, and graduating from my PRISM Life Design Course, and standing up for myself because I feel empowered now.  None of this likely would have come to be if I had stayed with him and continued to be made to be a minion. (I think minions are cute, but seriously… who wants to live like that… unless you are as rich as them… ha ha… creator was brilliant!)

I’m sure, through my courses, that I can deactivate these dreams… in the interim I will need to figure out how… 🙂  But here is to being happy, in spite of the dreams.