I have played this conversation with you Mom for years. For approximately 15 years. Since you told me I should have stayed with him. No matter what. Tonight I need purge in words why I have not been able to talk to you, nor speak my speech which will follow.

Mom, I can’t talk to you. I try, but you get so emotional, which when I was a child you told me was wrong, and you get angry, which you told me as I child I should never do. You tell me that your family was perfect and loving except for your dad and you hated that he drank, and so on and so on. There is no talking to you, or sharing my inner thoughts because you just accuse me of being overly emotional and such, everything you are.

So for many years, I have kept things inside, which ultimately part of that was my bulimia. I ate what I wish I could share with you or anyone else, but felt it was never appropriate and I should be the better person and let it go. I did. Many times. I ate those emotions then purged them. For 30 years I did that. I won’t any more.

And here I am writing in cyberspace what I want to tell you, but can’t because I know if I do it will end up like it always has. An emotion war. And I love you too much to cause that, but I am waving a white flag by writing here tonight my speech to you. What I say here, I have seen, by going back, to be something I have wanted to say, but today I am healthier in my spirit and my mind, but I still will NOT, until, maybe the time will be right, to say what is pursuant to this introduction, in person.

Dear Mom,

I am 55. The other day I heard your cry for my forgiving my eldest sister for her involvement with my ex-husband, which was the reason for leaving him. I can’t tell you how I feel, because I don’t think you will ever understand. You never asked me about my pain. You just wanted me to forgive. I know you were angry that I left my ex because of her, seeing how you endured maybe worse, but I did you a favour. Just imagine Christmas time with my ex and me there and her and you and dad. Your daughter. The same one that betrayed you with dad.

I often would like to ask you if your sister betrayed you with your father, and then had relations with Dad if you would have stayed? You almost left him for his drinking, yet you would stay with him knowing he betrayed you with having intimate relationships with your sister? And you would forgive her? and you forgive her for betraying you with your father?

You keep so close to her, and take her side. I don’t get it. You never once asked me how I FELT!!! You just knew I was a better person and expected me to be the one to forgive, let it all pass behind me, even when her apology was empty with any sort of emotion, and it was all about her having to apologize (this after 7 years of not doing so) because we were going on a trip as a family. I only accepted for your benefit. But everything changed at that point. She tried to befriend me, and yet, she had no remorse.

I got a call two years after the trip. I still wasn’t feeling right, but this made it apparent as to why I wasn’t. One of my children called in pain, and hurt, and wanted to know the truth about the father and the aunt. I said “I can’t tell you the truth. It has never really been admitted but by one party who just said it was selfishness”. I said to ask the father. My child did and the father admitted that it was an affair and my child texted back to advise me of his admission. That child endured severe struggles in life which the father did not share with me. He never did. It as part of his controlling our children and keeping them away from me.

I am at peace with his trying to keep my children away. I am truly so.. Sad, but knew it was out of my control. But I am not okay anymore with my knowledge that this sister caused deeper pain than to just me.

And hence, as Jesus didn’t hang around the Pharasees albeit He forgave them, I am NOT Jesus, but as much as I can forgive and let go, I also want to let go and choose not to be around a negative force. Some people say this sounds “religious”. I say it makes sense what Jesus did. THAT sister was religious. I am not. I just believe Jesus said it as it was. Adn that I choose not to be around those who hurt me and scorned me is my right. I understand loving those who love me and being around those who love me, and forgiving those who hurt me, but not wanting them around me. It’s that simple.

It was shared with me tonight that that sister, whom I just see as person I need to forgive and remove from my life, asked someone to tell me to grow up and let it all go. I was amazed by this. I’m not sure how I really feel. I just said in my mind that it “balls” to tell someone to let go when they themselves were the one that created the situation of unrest, and have no true conscience or empathy of what they did! It was monumental in lack of empathy!!! Which only served to make me not want to be there on Christmas Eve night time. I want to be with my parents when I am happy and feel love and beautiful feelings, not when I feel negativity.

Mom, I understand you. My children have different agreements and values and such. I respect them for that, and feel the pain when they are not in union with each other. This, however, is NOT a normal occurrence and NOT one that you can expect those affected by to just smile and show up and be hey! I love you for messing with my husband and I totally forgive you for messing up my life!! (so to speak.. mom , life is okay… but you get this.) I want to enjoy my time with you, mom, and too dad. And the way I can is to keep peace with me and be with those whom I truly love me and have not betrayed me…. in a big way.

I love you mom. Wish you understood me better. But more so, wish I could talk to you and share my thoughts without you getting all upset. You always said SHE was dad’s and so too the youngest and J and I were yours. But you never listened to me without getting upset. It’s why I will not share with you this.

I love you though Mom!!!

Psychotic Love

Why Can’t She Just Forgive? Letter to Mom