Tag Archives: pain

Psychotic Love vs Love You Tons vs Love You Very Much

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Since my divorce I have had a beautiful text from my eldest son that got me through a lot.  “Love you tons”.  I would send that back to him.  He was the only one I sent that to until recently.

Recently I realized his words.  He is the owner of this by far, and I now have upgraded it to him to love you tons x10.  That for having been there no matter what.  I don’t know how much he has judged me in my life, but he NEVER made me feel like a loser, a less than mom, a failure, through the times I have felt like that and have heard it from others.  I realized I only love 4 people in that category.  My eldest son for what I have explained, my daughter for being there through the first period of my divorce.  Only one that chose to live with me.  And my youngest son who visited me when I moved away to get away… during the summers, and we had amazing times at my auto repair shop.

Each one of my children had a very specific purpose in my life after my divorce.  I love them tons for that… but that is, as I said, the words my eldest owns to me.

He made sense to me about love and the degree.

I have to say the other person I love “tons” is my baby sister Donella.  I know we have gone through different forks on the road at times, but we always found our way back to each other.  I believe it was because from the start, no matter how much we fought, we loved each other “tons”.

These are the relationships that cannot go away no matter what.  The ones that made us who we are and were the biggest part of our lives growing up.  I mean that in all ages of our growing up.  Why my children are included.

Then there is the “I love you so much”.  That is to my parents.

Then there is “I love you very much”.  That would be to my other sister.  My second eldest.

Then there is “I wish I could love you but I don’t, but I remember when I did”… that to my eldest sister and my ex husband.

The last one was for two people I had psychotic love for.  So to this, I am saying.  Psychotic love is one that you can actually overcome.  When you realize that is what it was, it becomes easy to just let it go.  My eldest sister I, at one time, loved spychotically just for her approval.  And in hindsight, it was the same with my ex-husband.  They were formidable figures in life, the kind everyone loves!  And you look up to them… until one day they fall.  And they fall hard.

It wasn’t easy to recover from the psychotic love…. but once at that point.. it is easy to let go.

However, the ones you love on the tons, so and very, those are ones that are harder to deal with in any one day of life if every something is in conflict… those are the relationships that will keep you up at night trying to figure out how to make things right.

And the biggest ones that you want to make right with are the “tons”…. bigger yet the “tons x10″…  closest to God.  If Ross was still alive, and even not being alive… he is totally too a love tons x10. (My departed Nephew… still miss him tons x10).

First Borns Genocide

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Yikes.  I know it’s Christmas and I should have better thoughts.  But to me Christmas hasn’t been Christmas for many years.  And even more so less when I lost my eldest nephew who was so wonderful and still always so missed and was so the rock that kept us together.

I hate to say this, but when my son was born, also the eldest son of a family, I was freaked out based on my faith back then (religion I would say rather) that the first born eldest son was God’s child.

Then I also was freaked out about the fact that because Jesus was born there was genocide to all boys born that were two years old or younger.   I can’t imagine that pain.

I’m quoting the below because this is what I was brought up with and scared me to even have a first born that was male.

“1Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the reign of King Herod. About that time some wise mena from eastern lands arrived in Jerusalem, asking, 2“Where is the newborn king of the Jews? We saw his star as it rose,b and we have come to worship him.”

3King Herod was deeply disturbed when he heard this, as was everyone in Jerusalem. 4He called a meeting of the leading priests and teachers of religious law and asked, “Where is the Messiah supposed to be born?”

5“In Bethlehem in Judea,” they said, “for this is what the prophet wrote:

6‘And you, O Bethlehem in the land of Judah,

are not least among the ruling citiesc of Judah,

for a ruler will come from you

who will be the shepherd for my people Israel.’d”

7Then Herod called for a private meeting with the wise men, and he learned from them the time when the star first appeared. 8Then he told them, “Go to Bethlehem and search carefully for the child. And when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him, too!”

9After this interview the wise men went their way. And the star they had seen in the east guided them to Bethlehem. It went ahead of them and stopped over the place where the child was. 10When they saw the star, they were filled with joy! 11They entered the house and saw the child with his mother, Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasure chests and gave him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

12When it was time to leave, they returned to their own country by another route, for God had warned them in a dream not to return to Herod.

The Escape to Egypt

13After the wise men were gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up! Flee to Egypt with the child and his mother,” the angel said. “Stay there until I tell you to return, because Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.”

14That night Joseph left for Egypt with the child and Mary, his mother, 15and they stayed there until Herod’s death. This fulfilled what the Lord had spoken through the prophet: “I called my Son out of Egypt.”e

16Herod was furious when he realized that the wise men had outwitted him. He sent soldiers to kill all the boys in and around Bethlehem who were two years old and under, based on the wise men’s report of the star’s first appearance. 17Herod’s brutal action fulfilled what God had spoken through the prophet Jeremiah:

18“A cry was heard in Ramah—

weeping and great mourning.

Rachel weeps for her children,

refusing to be comforted,

for they are dead.”f

The Return to Nazareth”

This is beyond disturbing that so many mothers lost their first born son due to this whole control and political and just messed up life that in certain ways continue in so many different lights in this world.

I can’t celebrate Christmas.  I can only celebrate life and happiness and that doesn’t come just one day a year.  It’s every day.  I celebrate that my children are still alive and I pray for them every day, and that my parents’ are well and that I have serious family members, and friends, that stand by me with my crazy thoughts and changed paths of what is needed to be done on this occasion.

This year I changed my path based on MY beliefs, not others.  And there were thoughts that made me sad.  Like my son saying he wished I was with them at my parents’ place… but this year I needed peace.  And I had it.  Next year?  I don’t know.  Time will tell, but it will be MY choice.

 

 

Mom, Why Can’t You Hear Me? I love you so much!!

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I have played this conversation with you Mom for years. For approximately 15 years. Since you told me I should have stayed with him. No matter what. Tonight I need purge in words why I have not been able to talk to you, nor speak my speech which will follow.

Mom, I can’t talk to you. I try, but you get so emotional, which when I was a child you told me was wrong, and you get angry, which you told me as I child I should never do. You tell me that your family was perfect and loving except for your dad and you hated that he drank, and so on and so on. There is no talking to you, or sharing my inner thoughts because you just accuse me of being overly emotional and such, everything you are.

So for many years, I have kept things inside, which ultimately part of that was my bulimia. I ate what I wish I could share with you or anyone else, but felt it was never appropriate and I should be the better person and let it go. I did. Many times. I ate those emotions then purged them. For 30 years I did that. I won’t any more.

And here I am writing in cyberspace what I want to tell you, but can’t because I know if I do it will end up like it always has. An emotion war. And I love you too much to cause that, but I am waving a white flag by writing here tonight my speech to you. What I say here, I have seen, by going back, to be something I have wanted to say, but today I am healthier in my spirit and my mind, but I still will NOT, until, maybe the time will be right, to say what is pursuant to this introduction, in person.

Dear Mom,

I am 55. The other day I heard your cry for my forgiving my eldest sister for her involvement with my ex-husband, which was the reason for leaving him. I can’t tell you how I feel, because I don’t think you will ever understand. You never asked me about my pain. You just wanted me to forgive. I know you were angry that I left my ex because of her, seeing how you endured maybe worse, but I did you a favour. Just imagine Christmas time with my ex and me there and her and you and dad. Your daughter. The same one that betrayed you with dad.

I often would like to ask you if your sister betrayed you with your father, and then had relations with Dad if you would have stayed? You almost left him for his drinking, yet you would stay with him knowing he betrayed you with having intimate relationships with your sister? And you would forgive her? and you forgive her for betraying you with your father?

You keep so close to her, and take her side. I don’t get it. You never once asked me how I FELT!!! You just knew I was a better person and expected me to be the one to forgive, let it all pass behind me, even when her apology was empty with any sort of emotion, and it was all about her having to apologize (this after 7 years of not doing so) because we were going on a trip as a family. I only accepted for your benefit. But everything changed at that point. She tried to befriend me, and yet, she had no remorse.

I got a call two years after the trip. I still wasn’t feeling right, but this made it apparent as to why I wasn’t. One of my children called in pain, and hurt, and wanted to know the truth about the father and the aunt. I said “I can’t tell you the truth. It has never really been admitted but by one party who just said it was selfishness”. I said to ask the father. My child did and the father admitted that it was an affair and my child texted back to advise me of his admission. That child endured severe struggles in life which the father did not share with me. He never did. It as part of his controlling our children and keeping them away from me.

I am at peace with his trying to keep my children away. I am truly so.. Sad, but knew it was out of my control. But I am not okay anymore with my knowledge that this sister caused deeper pain than to just me.

And hence, as Jesus didn’t hang around the Pharasees albeit He forgave them, I am NOT Jesus, but as much as I can forgive and let go, I also want to let go and choose not to be around a negative force. Some people say this sounds “religious”. I say it makes sense what Jesus did. THAT sister was religious. I am not. I just believe Jesus said it as it was. Adn that I choose not to be around those who hurt me and scorned me is my right. I understand loving those who love me and being around those who love me, and forgiving those who hurt me, but not wanting them around me. It’s that simple.

It was shared with me tonight that that sister, whom I just see as person I need to forgive and remove from my life, asked someone to tell me to grow up and let it all go. I was amazed by this. I’m not sure how I really feel. I just said in my mind that it “balls” to tell someone to let go when they themselves were the one that created the situation of unrest, and have no true conscience or empathy of what they did! It was monumental in lack of empathy!!! Which only served to make me not want to be there on Christmas Eve night time. I want to be with my parents when I am happy and feel love and beautiful feelings, not when I feel negativity.

Mom, I understand you. My children have different agreements and values and such. I respect them for that, and feel the pain when they are not in union with each other. This, however, is NOT a normal occurrence and NOT one that you can expect those affected by to just smile and show up and be hey! I love you for messing with my husband and I totally forgive you for messing up my life!! (so to speak.. mom , life is okay… but you get this.) I want to enjoy my time with you, mom, and too dad. And the way I can is to keep peace with me and be with those whom I truly love me and have not betrayed me…. in a big way.

I love you mom. Wish you understood me better. But more so, wish I could talk to you and share my thoughts without you getting all upset. You always said SHE was dad’s and so too the youngest and J and I were yours. But you never listened to me without getting upset. It’s why I will not share with you this.

I love you though Mom!!!

Psychotic Love

Why Can’t She Just Forgive? Letter to Mom