Psychotic Love vs Love You Tons vs Love You Very Much

Since my divorce I have had a beautiful text from my eldest son that got me through a lot.  “Love you tons”.  I would send that back to him.  He was the only one I sent that to until recently.

Recently I realized his words.  He is the owner of this by far, and I now have upgraded it to him to love you tons x10.  That for having been there no matter what.  I don’t know how much he has judged me in my life, but he NEVER made me feel like a loser, a less than mom, a failure, through the times I have felt like that and have heard it from others.  I realized I only love 4 people in that category.  My eldest son for what I have explained, my daughter for being there through the first period of my divorce.  Only one that chose to live with me.  And my youngest son who visited me when I moved away to get away… during the summers, and we had amazing times at my auto repair shop.

Each one of my children had a very specific purpose in my life after my divorce.  I love them tons for that… but that is, as I said, the words my eldest owns to me.

He made sense to me about love and the degree.

I have to say the other person I love “tons” is my baby sister Donella.  I know we have gone through different forks on the road at times, but we always found our way back to each other.  I believe it was because from the start, no matter how much we fought, we loved each other “tons”.

These are the relationships that cannot go away no matter what.  The ones that made us who we are and were the biggest part of our lives growing up.  I mean that in all ages of our growing up.  Why my children are included.

Then there is the “I love you so much”.  That is to my parents.

Then there is “I love you very much”.  That would be to my other sister.  My second eldest.

Then there is “I wish I could love you but I don’t, but I remember when I did”… that to my eldest sister and my ex husband.

The last one was for two people I had psychotic love for.  So to this, I am saying.  Psychotic love is one that you can actually overcome.  When you realize that is what it was, it becomes easy to just let it go.  My eldest sister I, at one time, loved spychotically just for her approval.  And in hindsight, it was the same with my ex-husband.  They were formidable figures in life, the kind everyone loves!  And you look up to them… until one day they fall.  And they fall hard.

It wasn’t easy to recover from the psychotic love…. but once at that point.. it is easy to let go.

However, the ones you love on the tons, so and very, those are ones that are harder to deal with in any one day of life if every something is in conflict… those are the relationships that will keep you up at night trying to figure out how to make things right.

And the biggest ones that you want to make right with are the “tons”…. bigger yet the “tons x10″…  closest to God.  If Ross was still alive, and even not being alive… he is totally too a love tons x10. (My departed Nephew… still miss him tons x10).

Glad I didn’t Know

I remember the first time he fell deep in love with someone else.  It was weird.  I had a 2, 4 and 8 year old… Lots of songs went through my head.  I will share a few.  But this one I love so much.  Possibly because 15 years after my divorce, and after our 10th year when he fell in love with someone else at the same time Garth Brooks did same and I was no liking Garth for his infidelity with his now wife, but I get it now.  We are not always meant to be forever.  But this song?  It is true for my life… I wouldn’t have changed a thing… but glad I didn’t know.

Removing the Negative

This is going to sound weird.  I have, for the first time in my life, a tomato plant.  It’s a topsy turvy one, but it was beautiful to watch grow from a small plant to a huge one.  I didn’t anticipate much, as I don’t have a green thumb like my mother.  But, I did manage to get two tomatoes.  Two is better than none.  They sat on the vine for 2 months green as what my thumb is not.  Obviously.

Then,  a week ago, another one started growing and it’s doing amazingly well, while my two green ones are still sitting on the vine, not turning red.  One alone growing quickly, babytomatotwo together not.

Three nights ago I touched the larger ones, and one fell off.  The other one refused.  The one green one that fell off was hard.  Lifesless really.  Like a rock.

Next day, the one left on her own started to turn red.  Amazing.  Unfortunately something was trying to attack her so I pulled her off and cut off the growth.  But she is now growing beautifully red in the window, while the counterpart remains hard and green.

I’m talking about tomatoes, I know.  But it makes me think.  When I left my ex – the one I was psychotically in love with, when I got rid of that rotten green tomato, I started to show my colours.  I did have to cut out a part of me to move forward to turn into what I needed to become.  Just a part though.  My love for my ex was real, but it was overwhelming and I knew it was not reciprocated in the same way.  He was the hard green tomato that would not change colours.  He grew in his business, but not in our relationship.

Today to me that is all okay.  I enjoy my life as a single person, moving forward and now taking courses to become a PRISM Life Design Coach, which includes my passion of handwriting analysis.  I get to do what I want, when I want with no judgements.

The lesson I learned when I realized my tomatoes were not changing colour, was that something was wrong and I needed to figure it out.  They were just side by side together too long and the one that wanted to change colour didn’t because she had the one that didn’t change sucking off of her.

When you try to be what someone else wants you to be, and try to remain the same colour, it is exhausting.  I needed to find my colour.  I needed to blossom.

And everyday I am working on this. The red tomato. 🙂

The other green one will just be a green fried tomato.  The red one will be in a fun summer salad…. summer is not over yet!!

How Can Someone Make You Feel Like Writing This?

I love poems.  I have written many.  But this weekend going through some papers I wrote while I was married to the man I can’t hate, but feel there was a great deal of healing after I left, this was truly a reason.

I wrote this for him to read.  I was hoping he would see himself in this.  I could see a kind man in my husband, but one that was selfish in his own holding into himself, and onto himself, and one that needed to show the world he could make it.  He used to joke around about being the “Brain” in the “Pinky and the Brain” cartoon.  He called me “Pinky”.  I only later on in life found out Pinky was the one that gave Brain all the ideas. Too funny. So I feel very smart. Now.

Also… Today I thank God I never left this note.  Because it would have been a twisted one to try to make him see what he did to me, and yet… he didn’t.  Because I left before he could die.

At first I thought it was a letter I wrote about myself, but it made no sense at all.  Then I realized.  It was the other way around…. he always turned me away.  I could not reach him… but… still loved him. So I wrote this as if it was him writing to me.  It would have been a twisted ending though.. I think he would have understood the turn around to you concept if he found if I had left this world while with him… But I smile, because there is a reprieve knowing, that will never happen. 🙂


“You once asked me to listen, You told me that you care,

But I cruelly turned away, ’cause I had nothing to share.

You wanted to comfort me, when I needed to cry,

But I did not want to reach for you, I did not even try.

You turned to me for friendship, yet again I turned away

Allowing the void inside of me to grow larger everyday.

Now I am gone, and you’re haunted by my shame,

I have now since perished, but my friend, you’re not to blame.

It was I who failed at trying, rejected time you gave

And my self pity and destruction has me lying in my grave.

My selfishness is unwarranted, this I realize,

Now I see the pain I caused but cannot apologize.

I wish I had tried, at least tried to foresee….

The damage I have caused, by dying selfishly.”

 

 

How can someone who hates me be forgiven?

Psychotic love.  What does it entail really?  Too much love for family, for you children, for your parents.  Funny enough Psychotic Love doesn’t seem to me to transfer to all of my siblings.  I have one sister that you can deny, hurt her, almost kill her, treat her like she is a nobody, but still love that sister.

It’s mind boggling.

Then there is me.  It was psychotic, but not love.  Psychotic indirect love through two of three sisters and my parents to try to love something that was a demon in my mind and I am letting go of her through my own actions and writing about her.

This Demon Seed, as I see her, and you have read about her before, comes across as a “goddess” and she is a communion without confession kind of person.  Some may say that I have to let go, and I so want to!! But I am constantly badgered about not letting go about the past and moving forward….. until…..

A good friend of mine said that I am doing just that and I loved that saying.  I am.

So how is this all relevant?

I chose not to go to Christmas Eve with my “family” tomorrow night.  First time in many years.  I did so to make myself happy.  I may be repeating myself from previous log, but this today was an epiphany.

Mom called me today and asked if I would be there.  She made it clear that I should not live in the past and move forward.   The epiphany.  I told my lovely neighour this, and he said “you are doing just that”.  I am moving forward.  I am not letting my mother guilt me into being around someone who has been hurtful.

I encouraged my sons to go to visit my parents over seeing me.

My eldest son was upset and said I am complicating things because going to my parents’ place on Christmas Eve all these years made it easy to do a “communal” visit.  I understand him.  Hence I told him to go see my parents first and foremost.  But I will not be guilted into going and having to be in a place that I AM NOT COMFORTABLE.

I was a bit disappointed when I offered to visit my mother in the morning of Christmas Eve and she told me she would be too busy baking.  Like I couldn’t help her?    Then she also said she and dad would likely be too tired on Christmas day to see me.

What she didn’t realize was when she spoke those words I realized that she was guilting me into showing up to somewhere I don’t belong.  All these years of my parents having these Christmas Eve events were wonderful until my sister had an affair with my ex, then their grandchildren grew up, started understanding the negative dynamics, and yet everything is supposed to be forgotten on that one night?

That is expectations of Psychotic Love.  Seriously….

I hold no anger, but I do disappointment of lack of support… and I want peace in my life.  And Christmas is suppose to be about peace and love and happiness.  This is what I am reaching for.  Not stress, not what “have to does” or “must do” or “if you don’ts”…. Christmas is about loving those around you and feeling the blessings, without having to have the negative energy of what was that caused pain or sorrow, or a distorted and divised family.

I want my Christmas Eve this year to be happy.  I don’t want to see my son cry because his cousin was brutal to him.  I don’t want to see my mother question my eldest son about his younger brother’s sensitivity and I just don’t want to be around the negative family dynamics that have occurred over the years.  It’s exhausting.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my family, less one that I discounted as being family.  But I really won’t miss tomorrow night.   I hope though, with my non presence, tomorrow will be the best night of my children’s lives with my parents, and no discomfort will be felt.

 

And to mom:

Please do not even ask me to forgive and forget.  I know she is your child, but she has sent me awful emails in the past threatening me about being in presence for your benefit and getting over her sin.  She emailed me that she never liked me, but to get over it.  She emailed me many painful non-sisterhood emails…  It wasn’t me who was his her husband.  I didn’t have sex with her husband, her first one in particular that she loved so much… Her second is slim pickings that she uses to keep her lifestyle going.  I know you will alway love her and I don’t expect you not to, as I have had thoughts of what ifs?  And know I would love my children no matter what… but to expect me to feel towards a “sister that was such a bully in my whole life” the same way as you do as a mother, it can’t be done.  Sorry mom.

Wish I could speak to you.  But wouldn’t listen.  Wish I could explain to you all that I know…  but you would just lash out at me like always do when it comes to this stuff… why our conversations now are all fluff.. and if you get serious… I don’t want to hear it.

Ask your eldest daughter how she would feel if I had done same to her???? And I have so many other questions you can ask her that would blow your mind.  Remember Aunt Jean and how you felt about her, and kept saying she was like her… yet you for some reason can’t seem to … ahhhhh… naw.. not worth it.

Mom, you always told us not to be a hypocrite…. I am so not being one now.  I’m honest.  Are you?

Mom, Why Can’t You Hear Me? I love you so much!!

I have played this conversation with you Mom for years. For approximately 15 years. Since you told me I should have stayed with him. No matter what. Tonight I need purge in words why I have not been able to talk to you, nor speak my speech which will follow.

Mom, I can’t talk to you. I try, but you get so emotional, which when I was a child you told me was wrong, and you get angry, which you told me as I child I should never do. You tell me that your family was perfect and loving except for your dad and you hated that he drank, and so on and so on. There is no talking to you, or sharing my inner thoughts because you just accuse me of being overly emotional and such, everything you are.

So for many years, I have kept things inside, which ultimately part of that was my bulimia. I ate what I wish I could share with you or anyone else, but felt it was never appropriate and I should be the better person and let it go. I did. Many times. I ate those emotions then purged them. For 30 years I did that. I won’t any more.

And here I am writing in cyberspace what I want to tell you, but can’t because I know if I do it will end up like it always has. An emotion war. And I love you too much to cause that, but I am waving a white flag by writing here tonight my speech to you. What I say here, I have seen, by going back, to be something I have wanted to say, but today I am healthier in my spirit and my mind, but I still will NOT, until, maybe the time will be right, to say what is pursuant to this introduction, in person.

Dear Mom,

I am 55. The other day I heard your cry for my forgiving my eldest sister for her involvement with my ex-husband, which was the reason for leaving him. I can’t tell you how I feel, because I don’t think you will ever understand. You never asked me about my pain. You just wanted me to forgive. I know you were angry that I left my ex because of her, seeing how you endured maybe worse, but I did you a favour. Just imagine Christmas time with my ex and me there and her and you and dad. Your daughter. The same one that betrayed you with dad.

I often would like to ask you if your sister betrayed you with your father, and then had relations with Dad if you would have stayed? You almost left him for his drinking, yet you would stay with him knowing he betrayed you with having intimate relationships with your sister? And you would forgive her? and you forgive her for betraying you with your father?

You keep so close to her, and take her side. I don’t get it. You never once asked me how I FELT!!! You just knew I was a better person and expected me to be the one to forgive, let it all pass behind me, even when her apology was empty with any sort of emotion, and it was all about her having to apologize (this after 7 years of not doing so) because we were going on a trip as a family. I only accepted for your benefit. But everything changed at that point. She tried to befriend me, and yet, she had no remorse.

I got a call two years after the trip. I still wasn’t feeling right, but this made it apparent as to why I wasn’t. One of my children called in pain, and hurt, and wanted to know the truth about the father and the aunt. I said “I can’t tell you the truth. It has never really been admitted but by one party who just said it was selfishness”. I said to ask the father. My child did and the father admitted that it was an affair and my child texted back to advise me of his admission. That child endured severe struggles in life which the father did not share with me. He never did. It as part of his controlling our children and keeping them away from me.

I am at peace with his trying to keep my children away. I am truly so.. Sad, but knew it was out of my control. But I am not okay anymore with my knowledge that this sister caused deeper pain than to just me.

And hence, as Jesus didn’t hang around the Pharasees albeit He forgave them, I am NOT Jesus, but as much as I can forgive and let go, I also want to let go and choose not to be around a negative force. Some people say this sounds “religious”. I say it makes sense what Jesus did. THAT sister was religious. I am not. I just believe Jesus said it as it was. Adn that I choose not to be around those who hurt me and scorned me is my right. I understand loving those who love me and being around those who love me, and forgiving those who hurt me, but not wanting them around me. It’s that simple.

It was shared with me tonight that that sister, whom I just see as person I need to forgive and remove from my life, asked someone to tell me to grow up and let it all go. I was amazed by this. I’m not sure how I really feel. I just said in my mind that it “balls” to tell someone to let go when they themselves were the one that created the situation of unrest, and have no true conscience or empathy of what they did! It was monumental in lack of empathy!!! Which only served to make me not want to be there on Christmas Eve night time. I want to be with my parents when I am happy and feel love and beautiful feelings, not when I feel negativity.

Mom, I understand you. My children have different agreements and values and such. I respect them for that, and feel the pain when they are not in union with each other. This, however, is NOT a normal occurrence and NOT one that you can expect those affected by to just smile and show up and be hey! I love you for messing with my husband and I totally forgive you for messing up my life!! (so to speak.. mom , life is okay… but you get this.) I want to enjoy my time with you, mom, and too dad. And the way I can is to keep peace with me and be with those whom I truly love me and have not betrayed me…. in a big way.

I love you mom. Wish you understood me better. But more so, wish I could talk to you and share my thoughts without you getting all upset. You always said SHE was dad’s and so too the youngest and J and I were yours. But you never listened to me without getting upset. It’s why I will not share with you this.

I love you though Mom!!!

Psychotic Love

Why Can’t She Just Forgive? Letter to Mom

When do the dreams end?

I’ve been divorced for 13 years now to my first love.  13 years and I still have dreams about him.  I have dated a couple of times, and one was very special to me.  He’s still my best friend.  Another passed away.  But I don’t dream about them at all.  I only dream about my ex.  The dreams are all so varied.  Some he hates me, some he wants me back, some he is with his now common law spouse, and some he is alone.  Our children are often in these dreams, and they are usually much younger.

I told this to my daughter recently.  She is staying with me for a short time, and we have interesting discussions.  She simply said “you must have loved him a lot”. I did.  I was devastated when it ended.  However, I have never been happier, so I don’t understand why he keeps creeping into my dreams!  It’s not like I would ever want to be back with him.  I suppose I would like to be “friends” as best we can due to our three children, but that would be it.  But maybe that would not be a good idea.  Maybe, deep in my subconscious mind, I still love him no matter what happened.  I don’t know.  I can’t feel anything on a conscious level other then the fact I am loving writing, and drawing, and taking courses, and graduating from my PRISM Life Design Course, and standing up for myself because I feel empowered now.  None of this likely would have come to be if I had stayed with him and continued to be made to be a minion. (I think minions are cute, but seriously… who wants to live like that… unless you are as rich as them… ha ha… creator was brilliant!)

I’m sure, through my courses, that I can deactivate these dreams… in the interim I will need to figure out how… 🙂  But here is to being happy, in spite of the dreams.

Love and Wonders of Psychotic Love with Food

I write here about spychotic love and the different levels of psychotic love.  One can be food too.  My mom was a great cook.  She also wanted to make sure we were respectful enough to finish everything on our plate when we were young.  She’s not like that anymore… much.  But an interesting thought.  I became bulimic.  I was for 30 years.  I was apparently, what I thought, spychotically in love with food.  But it turns out I really wasn’t.  I was in love with a person that left an emptiness.  They say that “part” that exists, such as my bulimia, is a part that is there to help you survive the other part. The part of emptiness. I suppose.  I’m not 100% sure.  I know one of my psychiatrists told me that it saved my life.  That it was a slow suicide, but not something that was quick that I could not overcome.  He then said I was like China doll.  Cold on the outside, but fragile.  That to me, made sense.  I guess he was right in saying I hid behind my bulimia.  And “it” was my friend.  “Have your cake and eat it too” kind of philosophy which I wrote a book about but back then, I think I was too close to it to write about it.  Today I don’t even know.. or I can say, I can’t understand why.  Why I became bulimic, other then my blogs.  They are the only remembory of my reasons for being one.

I tend to find some solace in knowing Jane Fonda, amongst many other actresses, “suffered” from this for many years.  But was it suffering?  Or was it a lack of someone out there just saying… You don’t need to do this to yourself.  You are just perfect with all your imperfections and I love you.  Learn that internally and you will be fine.  That’s what happened to me.  It even left that bulimia “part” of me sitting next to me while I went to bottom of the pit and was coming back again.  She was still there, but not in action.  In watching me as I healed from what she tried to save me from.  She’s still there, but not.  She’s a friend now, not a foe.  I have to thank my sister for that.  She hit a word.  And that word I can’t really remember, only know, next day, bulimia was there, next to me, but didn’t want to hurt me anymore, she wasn’t active.  I didn’t need to eat my anger, or pain and throw them up anymore.  I just became…. me. And realized emotions need to be dealt with.   And it isn’t so bad…  One psychotic love gone… turned into mindfulness.  Bulimia = food.  Now a new world.  And they get along. 🙂

Meet My Gremlin!

Okay, so I am reading an amazing book called Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson. Amazing because it really opens up your mind to realizing the voices that have been built up in your head. Rick calls them Gremlins. I like that. I loved the movie. My favorite part of the movie thought was when the Gremlin was cute a fluffy. Then the ones that ate after midnight and turned ugly spooked me. I know. I was 22 when I saw it. How can a 15 year old be scared of the transformed Gremlins? I think this was because at that time of my life my real internal Gremlin was growing. The nasty one. The one I told not to eat after midnight. But did anyway and became a CCK and a Troll and my now life.

Troll little Napolean syndrome kind of gremlin

One of two gremlins in my life

I sketched these Gremlins. Some people have only one, but I have two. One is the one that reminds me of bigger issues in my life of failure which I have called as an acronym CCK. The other one is the one that causes me grief about the small things. He has a Napolean issue, and he’s called Troll. I am now simply observing them. I lie. I am learning to simply observe them. Some would think the CCK is more powerful, but the Troll is pretty bad because if the CCK is after my mind, the Troll kicks in to make me forget about the bigger things in life that matter to take of by veering my attention to the small stuff that you shouldn’t sweat to begin with.

I will continue on this subject later. I have meditation to do. 🙂 Thanks for reading…. more to come. Oh, and yes, these are my Gremlins. Feel free to share yours!!!!

Last Time For Everything…

These are the things to remember when you feel down… no regrets.  The fun times will alway prevail. Last time for everything… including …. yes… last time… you get it!! 🙂  Love this video. Makes me smile.