Yikes.  I know it’s Christmas and I should have better thoughts.  But to me Christmas hasn’t been Christmas for many years.  And even more so less when I lost my eldest nephew who was so wonderful and still always so missed and was so the rock that kept us together.

I hate to say this, but when my son was born, also the eldest son of a family, I was freaked out based on my faith back then (religion I would say rather) that the first born eldest son was God’s child.

Then I also was freaked out about the fact that because Jesus was born there was genocide to all boys born that were two years old or younger.   I can’t imagine that pain.

I’m quoting the below because this is what I was brought up with and scared me to even have a first born that was male.

“1Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the reign of King Herod. About that time some wise men^a from eastern lands arrived in Jerusalem, asking, 2“Where is the newborn king of the Jews? We saw his star as it rose,^b and we have come to worship him.”

3King Herod was deeply disturbed when he heard this, as was everyone in Jerusalem. 4He called a meeting of the leading priests and teachers of religious law and asked, “Where is the Messiah supposed to be born?”

5“In Bethlehem in Judea,” they said, “for this is what the prophet wrote:

6‘And you, O Bethlehem in the land of Judah,

are not least among the ruling cities^c of Judah,

for a ruler will come from you

who will be the shepherd for my people Israel.’^d”

7Then Herod called for a private meeting with the wise men, and he learned from them the time when the star first appeared. 8Then he told them, “Go to Bethlehem and search carefully for the child. And when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him, too!”

9After this interview the wise men went their way. And the star they had seen in the east guided them to Bethlehem. It went ahead of them and stopped over the place where the child was. 10When they saw the star, they were filled with joy! 11They entered the house and saw the child with his mother, Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasure chests and gave him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

12When it was time to leave, they returned to their own country by another route, for God had warned them in a dream not to return to Herod.

The Escape to Egypt

13After the wise men were gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up! Flee to Egypt with the child and his mother,” the angel said. “Stay there until I tell you to return, because Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.”

14That night Joseph left for Egypt with the child and Mary, his mother, 15and they stayed there until Herod’s death. This fulfilled what the Lord had spoken through the prophet: “I called my Son out of Egypt.”^e

16Herod was furious when he realized that the wise men had outwitted him. He sent soldiers to kill all the boys in and around Bethlehem who were two years old and under, based on the wise men’s report of the star’s first appearance. 17Herod’s brutal action fulfilled what God had spoken through the prophet Jeremiah:

18“A cry was heard in Ramah—

weeping and great mourning.

Rachel weeps for her children,

refusing to be comforted,

for they are dead.”^f

The Return to Nazareth”

This is beyond disturbing that so many mothers lost their first born son due to this whole control and political and just messed up life that in certain ways continue in so many different lights in this world.

I can’t celebrate Christmas.  I can only celebrate life and happiness and that doesn’t come just one day a year.  It’s every day.  I celebrate that my children are still alive and I pray for them every day, and that my parents’ are well and that I have serious family members, and friends, that stand by me with my crazy thoughts and changed paths of what is needed to be done on this occasion.

This year I changed my path based on MY beliefs, not others.  And there were thoughts that made me sad.  Like my son saying he wished I was with them at my parents’ place… but this year I needed peace.  And I had it.  Next year?  I don’t know.  Time will tell, but it will be MY choice.