I love poems.  I have written many.  But this weekend going through some papers I wrote while I was married to the man I can’t hate, but feel there was a great deal of healing after I left, this was truly a reason.

I wrote this for him to read.  I was hoping he would see himself in this.  I could see a kind man in my husband, but one that was selfish in his own holding into himself, and onto himself, and one that needed to show the world he could make it.  He used to joke around about being the “Brain” in the “Pinky and the Brain” cartoon.  He called me “Pinky”.  I only later on in life found out Pinky was the one that gave Brain all the ideas. Too funny. So I feel very smart. Now.

Also… Today I thank God I never left this note.  Because it would have been a twisted one to try to make him see what he did to me, and yet… he didn’t.  Because I left before he could die.

At first I thought it was a letter I wrote about myself, but it made no sense at all.  Then I realized.  It was the other way around…. he always turned me away.  I could not reach him… but… still loved him. So I wrote this as if it was him writing to me.  It would have been a twisted ending though.. I think he would have understood the turn around to you concept if he found if I had left this world while with him… But I smile, because there is a reprieve knowing, that will never happen. 🙂

“You once asked me to listen, You told me that you care,

But I cruelly turned away, ’cause I had nothing to share.

You wanted to comfort me, when I needed to cry,

But I did not want to reach for you, I did not even try.

You turned to me for friendship, yet again I turned away

Allowing the void inside of me to grow larger everyday.

Now I am gone, and you’re haunted by my shame,

I have now since perished, but my friend, you’re not to blame.

It was I who failed at trying, rejected time you gave

And my self pity and destruction has me lying in my grave.

My selfishness is unwarranted, this I realize,

Now I see the pain I caused but cannot apologize.

I wish I had tried, at least tried to foresee….

The damage I have caused, by dying selfishly.”