Tag Archives: parents

Psychotic Love vs Love You Tons vs Love You Very Much

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Since my divorce I have had a beautiful text from my eldest son that got me through a lot.  “Love you tons”.  I would send that back to him.  He was the only one I sent that to until recently.

Recently I realized his words.  He is the owner of this by far, and I now have upgraded it to him to love you tons x10.  That for having been there no matter what.  I don’t know how much he has judged me in my life, but he NEVER made me feel like a loser, a less than mom, a failure, through the times I have felt like that and have heard it from others.  I realized I only love 4 people in that category.  My eldest son for what I have explained, my daughter for being there through the first period of my divorce.  Only one that chose to live with me.  And my youngest son who visited me when I moved away to get away… during the summers, and we had amazing times at my auto repair shop.

Each one of my children had a very specific purpose in my life after my divorce.  I love them tons for that… but that is, as I said, the words my eldest owns to me.

He made sense to me about love and the degree.

I have to say the other person I love “tons” is my baby sister Donella.  I know we have gone through different forks on the road at times, but we always found our way back to each other.  I believe it was because from the start, no matter how much we fought, we loved each other “tons”.

These are the relationships that cannot go away no matter what.  The ones that made us who we are and were the biggest part of our lives growing up.  I mean that in all ages of our growing up.  Why my children are included.

Then there is the “I love you so much”.  That is to my parents.

Then there is “I love you very much”.  That would be to my other sister.  My second eldest.

Then there is “I wish I could love you but I don’t, but I remember when I did”… that to my eldest sister and my ex husband.

The last one was for two people I had psychotic love for.  So to this, I am saying.  Psychotic love is one that you can actually overcome.  When you realize that is what it was, it becomes easy to just let it go.  My eldest sister I, at one time, loved spychotically just for her approval.  And in hindsight, it was the same with my ex-husband.  They were formidable figures in life, the kind everyone loves!  And you look up to them… until one day they fall.  And they fall hard.

It wasn’t easy to recover from the psychotic love…. but once at that point.. it is easy to let go.

However, the ones you love on the tons, so and very, those are ones that are harder to deal with in any one day of life if every something is in conflict… those are the relationships that will keep you up at night trying to figure out how to make things right.

And the biggest ones that you want to make right with are the “tons”…. bigger yet the “tons x10″…  closest to God.  If Ross was still alive, and even not being alive… he is totally too a love tons x10. (My departed Nephew… still miss him tons x10).

Removing the Negative

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This is going to sound weird.  I have, for the first time in my life, a tomato plant.  It’s a topsy turvy one, but it was beautiful to watch grow from a small plant to a huge one.  I didn’t anticipate much, as I don’t have a green thumb like my mother.  But, I did manage to get two tomatoes.  Two is better than none.  They sat on the vine for 2 months green as what my thumb is not.  Obviously.

Then,  a week ago, another one started growing and it’s doing amazingly well, while my two green ones are still sitting on the vine, not turning red.  One alone growing quickly, babytomatotwo together not.

Three nights ago I touched the larger ones, and one fell off.  The other one refused.  The one green one that fell off was hard.  Lifesless really.  Like a rock.

Next day, the one left on her own started to turn red.  Amazing.  Unfortunately something was trying to attack her so I pulled her off and cut off the growth.  But she is now growing beautifully red in the window, while the counterpart remains hard and green.

I’m talking about tomatoes, I know.  But it makes me think.  When I left my ex – the one I was psychotically in love with, when I got rid of that rotten green tomato, I started to show my colours.  I did have to cut out a part of me to move forward to turn into what I needed to become.  Just a part though.  My love for my ex was real, but it was overwhelming and I knew it was not reciprocated in the same way.  He was the hard green tomato that would not change colours.  He grew in his business, but not in our relationship.

Today to me that is all okay.  I enjoy my life as a single person, moving forward and now taking courses to become a PRISM Life Design Coach, which includes my passion of handwriting analysis.  I get to do what I want, when I want with no judgements.

The lesson I learned when I realized my tomatoes were not changing colour, was that something was wrong and I needed to figure it out.  They were just side by side together too long and the one that wanted to change colour didn’t because she had the one that didn’t change sucking off of her.

When you try to be what someone else wants you to be, and try to remain the same colour, it is exhausting.  I needed to find my colour.  I needed to blossom.

And everyday I am working on this. The red tomato. 🙂

The other green one will just be a green fried tomato.  The red one will be in a fun summer salad…. summer is not over yet!!

How Can Someone Make You Feel Like Writing This?

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I love poems.  I have written many.  But this weekend going through some papers I wrote while I was married to the man I can’t hate, but feel there was a great deal of healing after I left, this was truly a reason.

I wrote this for him to read.  I was hoping he would see himself in this.  I could see a kind man in my husband, but one that was selfish in his own holding into himself, and onto himself, and one that needed to show the world he could make it.  He used to joke around about being the “Brain” in the “Pinky and the Brain” cartoon.  He called me “Pinky”.  I only later on in life found out Pinky was the one that gave Brain all the ideas. Too funny. So I feel very smart. Now.

Also… Today I thank God I never left this note.  Because it would have been a twisted one to try to make him see what he did to me, and yet… he didn’t.  Because I left before he could die.

At first I thought it was a letter I wrote about myself, but it made no sense at all.  Then I realized.  It was the other way around…. he always turned me away.  I could not reach him… but… still loved him. So I wrote this as if it was him writing to me.  It would have been a twisted ending though.. I think he would have understood the turn around to you concept if he found if I had left this world while with him… But I smile, because there is a reprieve knowing, that will never happen. 🙂


“You once asked me to listen, You told me that you care,

But I cruelly turned away, ’cause I had nothing to share.

You wanted to comfort me, when I needed to cry,

But I did not want to reach for you, I did not even try.

You turned to me for friendship, yet again I turned away

Allowing the void inside of me to grow larger everyday.

Now I am gone, and you’re haunted by my shame,

I have now since perished, but my friend, you’re not to blame.

It was I who failed at trying, rejected time you gave

And my self pity and destruction has me lying in my grave.

My selfishness is unwarranted, this I realize,

Now I see the pain I caused but cannot apologize.

I wish I had tried, at least tried to foresee….

The damage I have caused, by dying selfishly.”

 

 

I found home!

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So being away for so long in some people’s minds, they asked me to come home.  I didn’t know quite where that was, but I figured my children were asking me to come back closer. So I did. It was a tough journey because I had found a place I called my home.  They were family even if not blood related. But truth be known, I didn’t have any money left nor wherewithal  to keep myself in check.

I left a beautiful group of people to move back to my blood family.  I will go more into this later… but suffice it to say, four years forward, I’m glad I did.  I’m glad my children and my one sister wanted me back and I’m so thankful they helped me find me again.

I still suffer from psychotic love in a way… mostly only now with my parents, children, and my two sisters and my animals, but to me it’s a healthier psychotic love. I can say however, I love my parents in true love, and healthy love. And my friend from when I was 11.  I can’t even tell you how beautiful and non psychotic love that is!

But love in any sense of spychotic that is healthy is healthy.  What I mean by that is the ones you feel you love too much but are good to you that his healthy.  The ones you love too much but reciprocate in mean words, or patronizing, or jealous, or derogatory, and yet keep loving them? that is negative psychotic love.

I will end this tonight with saying, after all this thinking…. there are two sides to psychotic love… the positive kind… the one that needs to be there for the ones you know need you, then the ones that suck it dry because they know they can do that to you. …  this is such a BIG topic.. more to come to describe the different levels of PL.

I’m Going Home

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I felt alianeted when my last child left me to be with my ex husband.  I don’t blame her, but it was then time for me to find another home.  The problem is that I never really had a “home”… I moved so many times that I don’t know that I will ever find that “home”.   So this song means a lot to me.  My eldest son introduced it to me and after listening to it I will tell you my thoughts of what all still comes up. Next post will give the story of this song.