I remember the first time he fell deep in love with someone else. It was weird. I had a 2, 4 and 8 year old… Lots of songs went through my head. I will share a few. But this one I love so much. Possibly because 15 years after my divorce, and after our 10th year when he fell in love with someone else at the same time Garth Brooks did same and I was no liking Garth for his infidelity with his now wife, but I get it now. We are not always meant to be forever. But this song? It is true for my life… I wouldn’t have changed a thing… but glad I didn’t know.
This is going to sound weird. I have, for the first time in my life, a tomato plant. It’s a topsy turvy one, but it was beautiful to watch grow from a small plant to a huge one. I didn’t anticipate much, as I don’t have a green thumb like my mother. But, I did manage to get two tomatoes. Two is better than none. They sat on the vine for 2 months green as what my thumb is not. Obviously.
Then, a week ago, another one started growing and it’s doing amazingly well, while my two green ones are still sitting on the vine, not turning red. One alone growing quickly, two together not.
Three nights ago I touched the larger ones, and one fell off. The other one refused. The one green one that fell off was hard. Lifesless really. Like a rock.
Next day, the one left on her own started to turn red. Amazing. Unfortunately something was trying to attack her so I pulled her off and cut off the growth. But she is now growing beautifully red in the window, while the counterpart remains hard and green.
I’m talking about tomatoes, I know. But it makes me think. When I left my ex – the one I was psychotically in love with, when I got rid of that rotten green tomato, I started to show my colours. I did have to cut out a part of me to move forward to turn into what I needed to become. Just a part though. My love for my ex was real, but it was overwhelming and I knew it was not reciprocated in the same way. He was the hard green tomato that would not change colours. He grew in his business, but not in our relationship.
Today to me that is all okay. I enjoy my life as a single person, moving forward and now taking courses to become a PRISM Life Design Coach, which includes my passion of handwriting analysis. I get to do what I want, when I want with no judgements.
The lesson I learned when I realized my tomatoes were not changing colour, was that something was wrong and I needed to figure it out. They were just side by side together too long and the one that wanted to change colour didn’t because she had the one that didn’t change sucking off of her.
When you try to be what someone else wants you to be, and try to remain the same colour, it is exhausting. I needed to find my colour. I needed to blossom.
And everyday I am working on this. The red tomato. 🙂
The other green one will just be a green fried tomato. The red one will be in a fun summer salad…. summer is not over yet!!
I love poems. I have written many. But this weekend going through some papers I wrote while I was married to the man I can’t hate, but feel there was a great deal of healing after I left, this was truly a reason.
I wrote this for him to read. I was hoping he would see himself in this. I could see a kind man in my husband, but one that was selfish in his own holding into himself, and onto himself, and one that needed to show the world he could make it. He used to joke around about being the “Brain” in the “Pinky and the Brain” cartoon. He called me “Pinky”. I only later on in life found out Pinky was the one that gave Brain all the ideas. Too funny. So I feel very smart. Now.
Also… Today I thank God I never left this note. Because it would have been a twisted one to try to make him see what he did to me, and yet… he didn’t. Because I left before he could die.
At first I thought it was a letter I wrote about myself, but it made no sense at all. Then I realized. It was the other way around…. he always turned me away. I could not reach him… but… still loved him. So I wrote this as if it was him writing to me. It would have been a twisted ending though.. I think he would have understood the turn around to you concept if he found if I had left this world while with him… But I smile, because there is a reprieve knowing, that will never happen. 🙂
“You once asked me to listen, You told me that you care,
But I cruelly turned away, ’cause I had nothing to share.
You wanted to comfort me, when I needed to cry,
But I did not want to reach for you, I did not even try.
You turned to me for friendship, yet again I turned away
Allowing the void inside of me to grow larger everyday.
Now I am gone, and you’re haunted by my shame,
I have now since perished, but my friend, you’re not to blame.
It was I who failed at trying, rejected time you gave
And my self pity and destruction has me lying in my grave.
My selfishness is unwarranted, this I realize,
Now I see the pain I caused but cannot apologize.
I wish I had tried, at least tried to foresee….
The damage I have caused, by dying selfishly.”