Tag Archives: Improvement

Removing the Negative

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This is going to sound weird.  I have, for the first time in my life, a tomato plant.  It’s a topsy turvy one, but it was beautiful to watch grow from a small plant to a huge one.  I didn’t anticipate much, as I don’t have a green thumb like my mother.  But, I did manage to get two tomatoes.  Two is better than none.  They sat on the vine for 2 months green as what my thumb is not.  Obviously.

Then,  a week ago, another one started growing and it’s doing amazingly well, while my two green ones are still sitting on the vine, not turning red.  One alone growing quickly, babytomatotwo together not.

Three nights ago I touched the larger ones, and one fell off.  The other one refused.  The one green one that fell off was hard.  Lifesless really.  Like a rock.

Next day, the one left on her own started to turn red.  Amazing.  Unfortunately something was trying to attack her so I pulled her off and cut off the growth.  But she is now growing beautifully red in the window, while the counterpart remains hard and green.

I’m talking about tomatoes, I know.  But it makes me think.  When I left my ex – the one I was psychotically in love with, when I got rid of that rotten green tomato, I started to show my colours.  I did have to cut out a part of me to move forward to turn into what I needed to become.  Just a part though.  My love for my ex was real, but it was overwhelming and I knew it was not reciprocated in the same way.  He was the hard green tomato that would not change colours.  He grew in his business, but not in our relationship.

Today to me that is all okay.  I enjoy my life as a single person, moving forward and now taking courses to become a PRISM Life Design Coach, which includes my passion of handwriting analysis.  I get to do what I want, when I want with no judgements.

The lesson I learned when I realized my tomatoes were not changing colour, was that something was wrong and I needed to figure it out.  They were just side by side together too long and the one that wanted to change colour didn’t because she had the one that didn’t change sucking off of her.

When you try to be what someone else wants you to be, and try to remain the same colour, it is exhausting.  I needed to find my colour.  I needed to blossom.

And everyday I am working on this. The red tomato. 🙂

The other green one will just be a green fried tomato.  The red one will be in a fun summer salad…. summer is not over yet!!

Another Home Within A Home

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So people tell me I’m too nice.  That’s all okay.  I would rather be that then too mean? Too self involved? Too untrusting? Too unloving?

Seriously? What is wrong with being too nice.  There are adjustments to make if you choose to remain so in a life that is not so nice, but really, what is wrong with being outside of the norm?  Last post I wast writing about home.  About coming home to blood, and the difference between healthy psychotic love and not so healthy.

I spoke to my daughter today who is one of my healthy psychotic loves, and she was describing atoms and quarks and fascinated by the fact that the further the something something is the closer they are, like an elastic.  She brought up the cellphones, but I said, they lose connection… so I was not in total understanding of the elasticity between atoms, and quarks, and such.  I could understand one thing though.  The elasticity of two people who love each other and when they are apart, the feeling becomes stronger.  A bit of psychotic love… depending on whether its a desire, or a want, or a need, or love period.  Is the distance when in love perceived as inticing? or is it pleasant because of the distance? or is there a true longing to be back together, like the elastic that my daughter was talking about? … I don’t think I had the elastic band feeling ever… with my ex husband.  Did a bit with my ex-boyfriend, but that was different psychotic love that will get to later after I’m over my ex husband story.

I liked him being away.  I liked him gone.  I felt free.  His long trips made me happy.  I did love him psychotically, but his presence made me feel diminished.  Small.  Ugly.  Nothing.  He never could really fulfill my need for just love. I didn’t want expectations.  I wanted a friend.  I never had that with him. YET, when he was away, he wrote me the most beautiful letters.  Back when we wrote letters.  And I missed his written word, that I never got the same emotional level in person.  I think I fell in love with the writer, but the person behind the writer was not the same.  We started our relationship in letters, ended it in words.  Maybe we should have written letters to each other more… 😉  All good though.  Glad to be with me today.

I don’t hate him.  Sad he kind of stole my beautiful youth in a way, but funny thing is I still feel young enough to enjoy what is left of my life.  This because I have built a beautiful world of family and friends around me that allow me to stay feeling young and happy and secure.  I also love myself more then ever.  Definitely not psychotically… LOL… but really in a good way.

Meet My Gremlin!

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Okay, so I am reading an amazing book called Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson. Amazing because it really opens up your mind to realizing the voices that have been built up in your head. Rick calls them Gremlins. I like that. I loved the movie. My favorite part of the movie thought was when the Gremlin was cute a fluffy. Then the ones that ate after midnight and turned ugly spooked me. I know. I was 22 when I saw it. How can a 15 year old be scared of the transformed Gremlins? I think this was because at that time of my life my real internal Gremlin was growing. The nasty one. The one I told not to eat after midnight. But did anyway and became a CCK and a Troll and my now life.

Troll little Napolean syndrome kind of gremlin

One of two gremlins in my life

I sketched these Gremlins. Some people have only one, but I have two. One is the one that reminds me of bigger issues in my life of failure which I have called as an acronym CCK. The other one is the one that causes me grief about the small things. He has a Napolean issue, and he’s called Troll. I am now simply observing them. I lie. I am learning to simply observe them. Some would think the CCK is more powerful, but the Troll is pretty bad because if the CCK is after my mind, the Troll kicks in to make me forget about the bigger things in life that matter to take of by veering my attention to the small stuff that you shouldn’t sweat to begin with.

I will continue on this subject later. I have meditation to do. 🙂 Thanks for reading…. more to come. Oh, and yes, these are my Gremlins. Feel free to share yours!!!!