Tag Archives: self worth

Removing the Negative

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This is going to sound weird.  I have, for the first time in my life, a tomato plant.  It’s a topsy turvy one, but it was beautiful to watch grow from a small plant to a huge one.  I didn’t anticipate much, as I don’t have a green thumb like my mother.  But, I did manage to get two tomatoes.  Two is better than none.  They sat on the vine for 2 months green as what my thumb is not.  Obviously.

Then,  a week ago, another one started growing and it’s doing amazingly well, while my two green ones are still sitting on the vine, not turning red.  One alone growing quickly, babytomatotwo together not.

Three nights ago I touched the larger ones, and one fell off.  The other one refused.  The one green one that fell off was hard.  Lifesless really.  Like a rock.

Next day, the one left on her own started to turn red.  Amazing.  Unfortunately something was trying to attack her so I pulled her off and cut off the growth.  But she is now growing beautifully red in the window, while the counterpart remains hard and green.

I’m talking about tomatoes, I know.  But it makes me think.  When I left my ex – the one I was psychotically in love with, when I got rid of that rotten green tomato, I started to show my colours.  I did have to cut out a part of me to move forward to turn into what I needed to become.  Just a part though.  My love for my ex was real, but it was overwhelming and I knew it was not reciprocated in the same way.  He was the hard green tomato that would not change colours.  He grew in his business, but not in our relationship.

Today to me that is all okay.  I enjoy my life as a single person, moving forward and now taking courses to become a PRISM Life Design Coach, which includes my passion of handwriting analysis.  I get to do what I want, when I want with no judgements.

The lesson I learned when I realized my tomatoes were not changing colour, was that something was wrong and I needed to figure it out.  They were just side by side together too long and the one that wanted to change colour didn’t because she had the one that didn’t change sucking off of her.

When you try to be what someone else wants you to be, and try to remain the same colour, it is exhausting.  I needed to find my colour.  I needed to blossom.

And everyday I am working on this. The red tomato. 🙂

The other green one will just be a green fried tomato.  The red one will be in a fun summer salad…. summer is not over yet!!

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Another Home Within A Home

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So people tell me I’m too nice.  That’s all okay.  I would rather be that then too mean? Too self involved? Too untrusting? Too unloving?

Seriously? What is wrong with being too nice.  There are adjustments to make if you choose to remain so in a life that is not so nice, but really, what is wrong with being outside of the norm?  Last post I wast writing about home.  About coming home to blood, and the difference between healthy psychotic love and not so healthy.

I spoke to my daughter today who is one of my healthy psychotic loves, and she was describing atoms and quarks and fascinated by the fact that the further the something something is the closer they are, like an elastic.  She brought up the cellphones, but I said, they lose connection… so I was not in total understanding of the elasticity between atoms, and quarks, and such.  I could understand one thing though.  The elasticity of two people who love each other and when they are apart, the feeling becomes stronger.  A bit of psychotic love… depending on whether its a desire, or a want, or a need, or love period.  Is the distance when in love perceived as inticing? or is it pleasant because of the distance? or is there a true longing to be back together, like the elastic that my daughter was talking about? … I don’t think I had the elastic band feeling ever… with my ex husband.  Did a bit with my ex-boyfriend, but that was different psychotic love that will get to later after I’m over my ex husband story.

I liked him being away.  I liked him gone.  I felt free.  His long trips made me happy.  I did love him psychotically, but his presence made me feel diminished.  Small.  Ugly.  Nothing.  He never could really fulfill my need for just love. I didn’t want expectations.  I wanted a friend.  I never had that with him. YET, when he was away, he wrote me the most beautiful letters.  Back when we wrote letters.  And I missed his written word, that I never got the same emotional level in person.  I think I fell in love with the writer, but the person behind the writer was not the same.  We started our relationship in letters, ended it in words.  Maybe we should have written letters to each other more… 😉  All good though.  Glad to be with me today.

I don’t hate him.  Sad he kind of stole my beautiful youth in a way, but funny thing is I still feel young enough to enjoy what is left of my life.  This because I have built a beautiful world of family and friends around me that allow me to stay feeling young and happy and secure.  I also love myself more then ever.  Definitely not psychotically… LOL… but really in a good way.

Last Time For Everything…

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These are the things to remember when you feel down… no regrets.  The fun times will alway prevail. Last time for everything… including …. yes… last time… you get it!! 🙂  Love this video. Makes me smile.

Thoughts

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Thoughts… they are wonderful. They make you ponder over so many feelings in life you have experienced. Psychotic love, in the case we are writing here, is one of incredible dimensions, of a building up to such a degree, that when it implodes (collapse or cause to collapse violently inward is the definition to this word 🙂 ) … it’s pathetically and painfully devastating. It actually takes years to heal. Oh so sad. But not really, because when it then EX-plodes, it gives you the realization that loving exists within. You just didn’t pick the right one! These comments are male/female friendly, because on this site we recognize that both sides can end up in one of these relationships.

I am a proud survivor of the psychotic love world. I lived it for 22 years, and it took 13 years to overcome it. Doing the math, this leaves me with, maybe, 20 more years of loving myself and enjoying the rest of my life free of that.

So BIG question that runs through my head. Do I want to love again? Can I trust myself to love again and not in a psychotic way?

That question is easy. No. The question is really “can I love again”. And then I know I can, but the bigger question is “can I find the right person who knows how to love me the same way I love myself, and me love that person back the same way”.

Do these questions torment me? Not at all. I have been on my own for 10 years. I have built trust in myself, to myself, and although I feel it is time to reach out and share my inner strength, I realize I’m not that strong when it comes to walking outside of myself.

The truth is, I’m afraid of love.

Welcome to Psychotic Love… a novel.. or such

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Welcome to Psychotic Love. This is an introduction to a book by two sisters who have lived and survived the feelings of this psychological reality. One CAN love another human being psychotically and not even be aware of it until it’s been told to them.

As we go along we will introduce excerpts of the book.

The history of this copyrighted book is one that is telling.

In our journey through life we understood that there are many planes of love, but the psychotic kind dwarfs you and minimalizes you, without your cognizance at the onset, until you lose yourself.

Healthy thoughts of yourself are achievable after such a relationship. And this is the journey we want to take our readers on. Sharing the not so good but with humour and shared knowledge that true love is also achievable… because finding love of self is the beginning to the answer…. where true love, not psychotic love, resides.

🤗😊😉😎😊🤗